Culture has taught us, taught me, that if I don't feel happy I should do whatever it takes to obtain the feeling. Does my job make me unhappy? Find a new one! Does my church not meet my needs? Go to a different one. Is my marital status an issue that causes deep hurt? Do whatever it takes to find that person to fill the emptiness.
I didn't know I had bought into it.
I thought I was safe, safe from thinking like "them." I knew all the answers already.
But a new thought crept in a couple months ago and has begun to grow, sprouting into something beautiful.
I'm not sure how it even came about. Actually, I'm pretty sure I know Who put it there, just not how He did it.
What if I were to count my feelings as nothing and trust the truth?
My feelings have only one guarantee - to be everywhere at once. I can fluctuate from contentment to bitterness to apathy to pseudo-happiness in the span of about one hour. And that's without even trying.
I've trusted my feelings for so long. If I have felt that my life was going well, then it must be going well. If I have felt that I'm a miserable failure, I must be the worst failure of all.
I've been riding this roller coaster, wondering why God doesn't let me off. Why doesn't He just do what I want Him to do so that I don't have to keep feeling so terrible? It's really His fault.
But then, the thought: are my feelings what are really real, or is He? Because when the two are so opposed, one of us is wrong.
It's painfully obvious, when I think about it.
If I don't feel like He is present, but He says He is, then I'm wrong. He's here.
If I don't feel like He has a plan for me, but He says He does, then I'm wrong. He's got it under control.
If I don't feel like I can live the life I don't want, but He says that my life is for His glory, then I'm wrong. He is working something good.
It's not as easy to remember as it sounds. This kind of faith comes with a lot of work. It comes with eyes fixed on Him, ears tuned to the Holy Spirit for Him to show me when I'm valuing my opinion over His truth. I'm not doing it perfectly at all. It's hard.
But there is such a relief in believing Him. He has so many amazing blessings for me that I couldn't see because of my wallowing in my opinion of what my life should be. His word is so much better than mine. His truth is so much better than my perception.
And so, in choosing to believe that what He says is true, I choose joy. I choose to allow His blessings, whatever they look like, to wash over me, and be enough. More than enough.
I am finding a joy I didn't know possible. May He root it ever deeper.
The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food in due season. You open your hand; you satisfy the desire of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them.
Psalm 145:14-19
