This year

This year has been awful. 

I am not talking about just my life this past year. Many people that I know and love have suffered much this year. Our church has suffered much this year. 

It has not been easy.

There has been hope deferred, hope dashed, false hope, betrayal, loss of relationships, loss of stability, loss of identity in who we are, and loss of vision for the future (for any future, in some cases).

We have cried, we have pleaded for mercy and yet the waves of turmoil have crashed over us. Again. And again. Until we thought there was nothing left but to let the waves engulf us.

We have been angry. Angry that this could happen, angry that people could do that to us, angry that God is silent. Why has He been silent?

We have mourned. Fully, on our knees before the Lord with nothing but groans for Jesus to interpret for us. 

It is a bleak picture I have painted.

Many people would ask, "WHERE. IS. GOD?!"

And maybe we have. 

But the beauty of this year, that has been enfolded in pain and suffering and tears, is that He has been here.

He has walked in our turmoil, He has held us when we cry at night over the pain, He has comforted and consoled. He has grown us and matured us because He loves us so fully, He could not leave us where we were. 

He has been steadfast.

How can we look over a year like this and be full of joy, gratitude, and worship?

Because we have seen His hand in all things. 

We see His hand before us.

We see His hand over us, singing His name and peace and holiness over our damaged and hurting souls.

This year has been awful. This year has been beautiful.

And so, we walk forward into a new year. And maybe the new year will be full of more suffering. Maybe it will be full of rejoicing. Either way, He is good. He is steadfast.

He is holy.

The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them. The Lord preserves all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy. My mouth will speak the praise of the Lord, and let all flesh bless his holy name forever and ever. 

Psalm 145:17-21

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream. Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad. Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negeb! Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him. 

Psalm 126:1-6

Rant

I almost think I should change the title of this blog to "Crazy Girl Rants and Becomes Rational Briefly and Wallows." But then I guess I could just call it by my name and people would get the gist. 

What? Am? I? Doing?

This is not the kind of question that warrants pity and response. I'm asking myself. What. Are you. Doing?

I want to scream at myself for being such a doofus. I'm almost always a doofus.

Why does it take a sermon that holds my hand the whole way and tells me how important and special and miraculous and holy Jesus is for me to even think about it? Shouldn't I know this already?

Why, on that same day, do I forget that it's all about JESUS and wallow, wallow, wallow?! I am an ungrateful wretch.

It is true, what He says. The enemy will prowl, seeking someone to devour. Is he trying to devour me? Dumb question, I guess. 

If the enemy can blind me with all the things that are "wrong" in my life, then he successfully paralyzes me. All I can see is whatever it is that he's putting in front of me. Distraction from who's really important. And if that's all I can think about, he wins. Idol placed, worshipper prostrate, and he can sit back and relax.

But if I fight, actively, ferociously, against him and how he creeps in and shows me things I want to see and the things that are wrong, and if I keep my freaking eyes on HIM, my whoring, idolatrous eyes on the Lord Jesus, who is holy, and mighty, and righteous and true, then I can see what's important. And I can let go of all that other junk that is eroding my very soul. 

Ah! My soul cries against the shackles I have allowed to be placed on myself. I am free! He has said it! And again and again, I allow myself to be imprisoned.

The fight is never over. This struggle to follow Him, really, truly, with joy and worship, singing and hope, will never end. Not until the day when all things end and all things begin. 

Pray for me. I'm fighting, but poorly. I hold the heavy sword one handed, and my armor is only halfway on. 

But do not mistake. He is triumphant.

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream. Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad. Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negeb! Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him. 

Psalm 126:1-6