I was always that kid that FELT it. All the things. Crying was a regular occurrence. I'm sure my family really appreciated it. Like I couldn't catch fireflies and leave them in the jar WITH HOLES IN IT because I was mourning their loss of freedom. It was maybe a little ridiculous.
As I grew up, I realized that being that sensitive wasn't socially acceptable plus it hurts a lot more. People think you're ridiculous when you cry over bugs, so you better start sucking it up. I have hated my sensitivity and I have done a lot to hide it over the years, even from myself. I have built a pretty quality armor for this heart of mine, and then a nice wall around that. I am PROTECTED, dangit. No one will see me have feelings! (I like to tell myself that anyway.)
What I didn't realize was that I was doing that with God too.
If I just put a thick enough armor on this heart of mine, then nothing will hurt. Don't you worry, Jesus, I have no expectations on you because look, I have my armor! I'm good! I will be wary and cautious and if things go sour, that's ok, I was totally ready! (knocks on clanky armor to prove point)
I've put such a thick, hard covering over my heart that I don't let him in.
He has seen that, of course. He's seen the girl with her rusty pieces of metal, trying to make sure there are no holes so that the pain and hurt can't get in. He's been patient with my ineffective protection of myself. But he wants more.
See, when you have a protection of your own making, you can't run anywhere for comfort when it hurts because that would require you to admit you felt it. That would be saying that you're in pain and you can't fix it yourself. That would be surrender to your own sensitivity and inability to change things all by yourself. It requires admittance of dependence.
Armor doesn't get you anywhere, really. I still feel everything as much as I did except chuck in some bitterness. It's not a fix.
He's known about my sensitive, soft heart underneath the armor. I want to trust him with this bleeding thing and just let him have it. He'll take better care of it than I ever have. And if I'm willing to shed the armor with him, then I can shed it with other people because he will be more than enough to protect me. It's scary, but he made this heart exactly as it is, he knows how to take care of it.
Pray for armor to drop for me. Pray for armor to drop for you. We all need our hearts to be open to him for healing, for molding, for us to really know his love too. We're not meant to make our own armor.
And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.
Ezekiel 36:26
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
Psalm 13:5
