Not that I don't already have negative tendencies. That's just me, and something to fight against. But it's the little tiny things, the things that honestly shouldn't bother me, that show me that something isn't right. The hardest part is that often, when I look back at what I said and how I actually feel about it, what I said is worse than how I feel.
I've been ignoring it for a while, maybe giving myself a little too much grace by thinking "oh well, that was weird" and moving on. But now the negativity is invading my thoughts.
I've found myself annoyed by cheesy Christian statements. I'm embarrassed to admit that I have even found myself annoyed by scripture sometimes, when a "cliche" verse pops up on my newsfeed on Facebook. I've even thought a few times, in those moments, I'm not sure I buy this anymore.
Scared for me yet?
I've known for a little while that something isn't right. Because at the same time that all of this negativity has invaded my heart and my mind, I've also not been praying. I felt kind of fed up with it. I haven't been reading my bible either. How's that for being a good Christian girl?
It's becoming clear that these things have a direct relationship. The less I seek the Lord, the more room there is for the enemy to wedge himself in there. If I'm not filling my head with truth, the lies come easily.
The worst part? I knew about the direct relationship but I just didn't want to do anything about it. I'm tired, I just want to relax, there's this other thing I'd rather do.
I've been treating Him like an option, instead of a necessity.
It wasn't until I sat down to read my bible this morning that I felt the severity of my fault. As I read, I felt relief. Comfort. Like he hadn't left me after all, I was the one that left.
His waters of truth rushed over me.
The Word is there because He knew what a fool I'd be. That I would cry out "why will you not answer me?!" while His answer is written down. Bound and preserved meticulously. Full of life. Full of truth.
Pray for me as I understand the necessity of His word. Pray that I don't give in to laziness or negativity but that I seek his face continually through prayer and His beautiful conversation. It is necessary. And it is good.
I hold back my feet from every evil way, in order to keep your word. I do not turn aside from your rules, for you have taught me. How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! Through your precepts I get understanding; therefore I hate every false way. Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.
Psalm 119:101-105
