Hope

I have given up. 

And I'm so full of joy about it.

I have thrown away all the weight of expectation that I have carried my whole life. I count it all as lost. 

There's an expectation that is good and holy. The kind where you get chills and feel like you might come out of your skin with anticipation and wonder.

But then there's the kind that hangs around your neck. This is the kind of expectation that will drown you faster than almost anything else could. It is a heavy, dark expectation, and it can take on a lot of different faces.

The face that stares at you in disappointment. The one that says, "You aren't good enough, didn't you expect to be better? Didn't you think you'd have it figured out by now? Kind of looks like you failed." 

The face of disapproval. It glares at you, not satisfied by your performance, your physique, your personality. It finds you wanting. I have found that this face so often looks just like my own, screwed into a frown, castigating myself for my lacking. 

The face of despair. The other two have driven the features into an almost permanent droop. They have beaten you into expecting nothing. Not that you don't have expectations, but that you expect no good thing, want no good thing, hope for no good thing. 

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Psalm 43:5

So, I've given up. I'm tired of these same faces and same voices, this expectation that pulls me under and threatens to drown me with its weight. I'm throwing it off my neck, because bondage is not what I am called to.

Instead, I'm choosing to hope. Not hope that circumstances change or that I become a better person. But I choose to hope in the One who has declared salvation over me. 

He is greater and more mighty than any expectation I could have for myself. I expect much of Him because He has given much. He has consistently delivered more than any of us could ask or imagine. In what greater thing or person can hope be found?

My expectations have brought me nothing but death. But the hope of the Lord is full of life. I lay up these heavy expectations of mine on the altar and instead receive a different sort of weight of expectation. An expectation that anchors me, allows me to be freely bound to the One that will deliver.

And this giving up brings fullness of joy.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Romans 15:13

Jesus

Lately, I find myself compelled to read Hebrews. Usually when I'm "compelled" to read something, I blaze right on through it, speed reading to get the high points, and then "yes, Lord, it's good! What's for lunch?"

I was compelled and I read it. In one sitting, like I usually do. And then right when I got to the end, ready to dust my hands off and move on, I heard, "OK, read it again. Slowly."

It's an awful thing to say, but even when I read it this first time, I thought it was good...and that's all I thought. So this "read it again" business is pushing me out of my comfort zone. Which is exactly why I should do it.

So, I have been reading Hebrews 1. Only. The first. Chapter. This is a painfully slow pace for me, and yet, there is something for me here. 

Or someone.

That first chapter slaps you right in the face with the fullness of Jesus. 

Confession time: I have struggled with loving Jesus. There, I said it. 

For some reason in my mind, Jesus has been the hardest one to love. God, my father, my friend, the one who is sacrificial and full of plans and knowledge, I don't have any trouble with Him. I get Him. The Holy Spirit, mysterious, hard to grasp but I feel His help all the time.

Jesus has kind of always been an afterthought.

Oh, it feels like blasphemy. I promise this will get better.

I don't even know why I have felt that way. I've prayed for God to create a love for Jesus in me. And really, things have changed over the years. I would say I have developed an appreciation for Jesus, but the deep love I'm supposed to have has alluded me. 

Until the other day I read a quote on Facebook. I don't honestly remember what it was, but I do know that it completely left Jesus out of the equation when it spoke of our saving. And a fire in me stirred.

It makes sense that in our culture, Jesus is the hardest. He was brutally honest, completely controversial, brutally murdered, and the things he said are true are hard to take in. He just doesn't fit easily into our understanding of the world today.

Why do you think that the entire first chapter of Hebrews is dedicated to showing us who He is, that we might not be mistaken? It's so easy to write Him off. God forbid we do it, but isn't it easy to not look Him in the face? 

But there, in the first chapter of Hebrews, He is found. In the fullness of glory, grace, holiness, and provision, He sits on the throne. I'm pretty sure someone who "upholds the universe with his power" is not someone to be ignored.

You can't remove Him from the equation. If you do, you're left with questions that have no answer.

Jesus is the unapologetic answer to the the question of what do we do about sin. He is not a weak pawn in God's plan but a powerful, willing sacrifice in our stead.

Oh, how I wish I had had a better understanding of Him.

So, I repent of my ignorance. My willful obliviousness to who He truly is. I embrace Him for the salvation He offers me, I ask Him to show me how He is more than enough. May He create in all of us a deep understanding of who He is and what's He's done, because it's the greatest story ever told.

He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high, having become as much superior to angels as the name he has inherited is more excellent than theirs.

Hebrews 1:3-4