Fickle

My fickleness is out of control.

I blame nights.

I'm currently on an emotional swing. One second I'm ok (high is a little much to say at this point) and the next I'm low. By low, I mean crying before my shift because of general exhaustion and discouragement.

To those that have to deal with me at the lows, I'm sorry.

To those (mostly same people) who deal with me when I'm ok...it's only a matter of time.

But! Despite all my crazy and instability and random ranting (again, I'm sorry) and general pessimism, one thing I know.

This isn't forever. And it's not even what defines me, right now, in this moment of life that's weird. 

What defines me is that I'm His, chosen, loved. He makes me ok, even when I don't feel like it.

So, for those who are having to deal with the crazy, remind me that I actually believe this.

For those who are seeing the negative and angry come out, I really do believe this. 

For me, when I read this later: it's true. It's true. It's true!

Again

Well, it happened again. I forgot. I lost perspective. I idolized what I think should be, and forgot to worship. I forgot to engage Him. Well, actually that's a lie. I remembered, but I didn't want to. How prideful am I? That I should think that I can choose to remove myself from that relationship, and that everything would be ok eventually? That I could punish Him somehow because I was hurt by Him not doing what I wanted? I'm a fool.

But that's the beauty. Not that He continues to pour out His blood over and over, every time I beg for forgiveness, but that He poured it out once. One time. 

He came and offered Himself, and was under no delusions that I would get it right everytime. He actually expected the opposite. And boy, do I deliver. 

His love doesn't change though. Even when I cry and tell Him I'm just not going to talk to Him right now. That's He's hurt me too deeply this time (oh, the lies that I believe!), He remains. And He is the perfect parent in that He doesn't engage that behavior. But He stands right with me as I struggle against Him, and waits. 

I am a wretch. But a clean one. A saved one. An undeserving one. And I am His beloved. 

For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by whom to swear, he swore by himself, saying, “Surely I will bless you and multiply you.” And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise. For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek. 

Hebrews 6:13-20

"His dying breath has brought me life,

I know that it is finished!"