Comparison

A lot of what I struggle with can be summed up in this one word - comparison.

I've talked about before how I always feel less than, incompetent, ashamed, and just plain not good enough. No one tells me that these things are true, and quite honestly, not many have done it in the past either. If anything, I have received more praise and less rebuke.

But something about me wants to look around at everybody around me and wonder what they have that is better than what I have. I don't even really have to look long at their lives without seeing my inadequacies as a person. They are more spiritual - they express their love for God better than me. They are more outgoing - they don't have this inexplicable desire to hide in the corner in big groups. They're married and have children, which must mean that they've figured something out that I haven't.

I look at others and measure myself against them. I'll tell you now that it's a very depressing way to live.

Now, I know this isn't just my issue. Pinterest and Facebook are full of quotes to tell you to do your own thing, walk to your own beat, or whatever cliche thing it takes to make you feel better....temporarily.

There's not anything wrong with that, but it misses the point. If just telling myself that I was good enough, that other people's lives are just different, not better, would fix this problem, then I'd be good. I've dealt with this long enough that it should have worked by now.

Unless I look at what is actually wrong with my heart, I won't be able to see why I keep believing these things.

I believe, and yet every nook and cranny of my heart is full of unbelief.

If I compare myself to others, then I'm saying that God is doing something wrong with me. He clearly is doing something with them, that he isn't doing with me, but he should be. So I beat myself up and push harder and end up disappointed again.

Peter tried this too. Peter is my favorite because he seems to be just as off kilter as me a lot of times.

When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, “Lord, what about this man?” Jesus said to him, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!” 

John 21:21

How many times do I do that? How many times a day do I do that? 

I'm processing through what it looks like for me to embrace whatever God has me in. And that means not looking to the right or left, but straight at him. What he's doing with other people isn't better or worse, but it's different. And my story is different than theirs. And undoubtedly, people look at my life and compare and find themselves lacking. I hate that. 

Again, God reminds me that he loves me. And that my story isn't the wrong thing. He is weaving a tapestry of stories that are unique and beautiful. All together they form the beautiful picture of the gospel. The gospel in my life. The gospel in yours. 

Let us be grateful for our stories. Let us rejoice in each other's stories without envy and comparison. Let us worship a good God who makes us different and loves us the same, unfathomable amount. May he root this comparison-less love for each other deep in our souls. He is good to do it.

For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body.

1 Corinthians 12:14-20

.....Love does not envy....

1 Corinthians 13:4

Why I Write

I've been thinking about why it is that I write. Not so much why I write in general, but why I write publicly. 

It's very counterintuitive for me to put this out there. It goes against a lot of my natural tendencies to be private, save face, and have everyone think that everything is fine. That's who I really want to be.

But God, for some reason, told me to write. And so I have written. Not a lot, but enough. 

And now I find myself wondering why? Why is it necessary to put all this emotional baggage out there? Why do people need to know what I think? I don't feel that I contribute anything to the ocean of voices in this never-filled-up void of the internet. Surely others are more eloquent (and they are). Surely someone else understands who God is better than me (and they do). My story is not even that unique...you could definitely google "Christian bloggers" and come up with way more interesting people, with may more spiritual things to say, who have tons of followers (as they should).

So why me? Why write? Why throw all caution to the wind and expose my struggles here?

Over the past few years there have been many videos posted. Videos that tell of the specific redemption in people's lives. They really are beautiful. I cry when I watch almost all of them. The couple that struggled with infertility and found God to be faithful, either in giving a biological or an adopted child. The wife of the unfaithful husband who loved him anyway through God's power, showing him Jesus, and he repents, and now they have a huge ministry. The marriage that could only have come together through God's mercy, because of some horrible thing in one or both of their pasts. 

These videos and stories are great. I love to see them, because I love to see how God has worked in others' lives. But there's a problem.

I keep waiting for my life to be wrapped up in a bow by the Lord. Everything will come together and it will all make sense. A 4 minute and 45 second video can be made about how God has redeemed me while worship music swells in the background at the joyous moment when it all comes together.

And that's why I write. That's why I tell my story. Because as amazing as those videos are, they don't do the beauty of God's redemption full justice. They are the big, bold Hallelujah. But most days, for most people, are not the Hallelujah.

Most of our days consist of please Gods, and whys, and hows. We struggle to make sense of it all. 

Without our daily struggle to believe God is who he says he is, and does what he says he will do, the Hallelujah is minimized. It becomes more of a Yay, and not a deep, guttural praise to our Father. 

I write publicly so that others can see God in my brokenness. Because it is only when I am broken that he can heal. And his healing is so much more than big moments. It's every day, when he calls my name, over and over, calls me back to look in his face. It's every day, when he sustains me and holds me close, even though I only want to ask why. His sanctification in my life is full of his glory.

He is the God of the big picture and the God of every day. They complement each other. And if someone can look at my every day and glimpse the big picture, then this writing is not for nothing. 

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. 

Psalm 19:14