Why I Write

I've been thinking about why it is that I write. Not so much why I write in general, but why I write publicly. 

It's very counterintuitive for me to put this out there. It goes against a lot of my natural tendencies to be private, save face, and have everyone think that everything is fine. That's who I really want to be.

But God, for some reason, told me to write. And so I have written. Not a lot, but enough. 

And now I find myself wondering why? Why is it necessary to put all this emotional baggage out there? Why do people need to know what I think? I don't feel that I contribute anything to the ocean of voices in this never-filled-up void of the internet. Surely others are more eloquent (and they are). Surely someone else understands who God is better than me (and they do). My story is not even that unique...you could definitely google "Christian bloggers" and come up with way more interesting people, with may more spiritual things to say, who have tons of followers (as they should).

So why me? Why write? Why throw all caution to the wind and expose my struggles here?

Over the past few years there have been many videos posted. Videos that tell of the specific redemption in people's lives. They really are beautiful. I cry when I watch almost all of them. The couple that struggled with infertility and found God to be faithful, either in giving a biological or an adopted child. The wife of the unfaithful husband who loved him anyway through God's power, showing him Jesus, and he repents, and now they have a huge ministry. The marriage that could only have come together through God's mercy, because of some horrible thing in one or both of their pasts. 

These videos and stories are great. I love to see them, because I love to see how God has worked in others' lives. But there's a problem.

I keep waiting for my life to be wrapped up in a bow by the Lord. Everything will come together and it will all make sense. A 4 minute and 45 second video can be made about how God has redeemed me while worship music swells in the background at the joyous moment when it all comes together.

And that's why I write. That's why I tell my story. Because as amazing as those videos are, they don't do the beauty of God's redemption full justice. They are the big, bold Hallelujah. But most days, for most people, are not the Hallelujah.

Most of our days consist of please Gods, and whys, and hows. We struggle to make sense of it all. 

Without our daily struggle to believe God is who he says he is, and does what he says he will do, the Hallelujah is minimized. It becomes more of a Yay, and not a deep, guttural praise to our Father. 

I write publicly so that others can see God in my brokenness. Because it is only when I am broken that he can heal. And his healing is so much more than big moments. It's every day, when he calls my name, over and over, calls me back to look in his face. It's every day, when he sustains me and holds me close, even though I only want to ask why. His sanctification in my life is full of his glory.

He is the God of the big picture and the God of every day. They complement each other. And if someone can look at my every day and glimpse the big picture, then this writing is not for nothing. 

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. 

Psalm 19:14