4:12

It's such a small thing. Almost silly, really.

For the last couple of years, I always see 4:12 on the clock. By always, I mean that I see it literally every day. And because of my work schedule, sometimes twice a day. It follows me.

4:12 happens to be my birthday (April 12th). The first few times it happened, I thought it was cool, but didn't think much of it. Until it kept happening. Over and over, day after day, without ceasing. 

I am not one to see God in the small things. I am constantly looking for big displays of Him, and even when I see those, I'm a little iffy on whether they're real or not. A critic and a skeptic, that's me!

But you can only see your birthday pop up every day for months on end, before you start to wonder if there's something holy behind it all. Maybe He has something for me here.

It's such a small thing, but now I not only love to see 4:12 roll around, I anticipate it. Sometimes if I see that it's almost 4:12, I will be disappointed because, surely, I'll miss it this time. I looked too soon, I'm too busy to look again. And so many times, I'm surprised by finding my eyes turned at just the right moment.

4:12 has become my daily (and sometimes twice a day) reminder that God loves me, and that He is mindful of me. I can't explain why this happens any other way than to just say that He wants it to.

He says to me "I love you" over and over, day after day, without ceasing. He surprises me daily...daily. 

He didn't have to give me a gift of a daily reminder. He has already done it, by sending His Son, by sending His Spirit, and His word - they are more than enough. And yet, He knows the insecure little girl that I am and embraces it. He delights in showing me, again and again, how much He loves me. He doesn't tire of it, He doesn't weary of me.

It's a small gift maybe, but He makes His presence known in the small things.

Every good and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is variation or shadow due to change.

James 1:17

Advent

I don't know what it is about this year.

I've never been one to love Christmas. The season is nice, I like getting together with family, the lights, the general merriment. But I almost always leave the season with disappointment. I'm too much of an idealist, I think, and Christmas just doesn't live up to the hype.

But something about this year is different. I find myself with anticipation. Not giddy, breaking out all the Christmas decorations and singing Jingle Bells at the top of my lungs. It is quiet anticipation.

Hushed.

I find myself anticipating Him.

The idea of a time of advent has never made much sense to me. He came, He did it, I don't get why we look forward to the estimated day of His birth. It just didn't add up for me. Christmas is just an over-commercialized, over-celebrated day, right? Shouldn't I be more focused on believing it year round, day in and day out?

Maybe.

But I can't get this scripture out of my head:

But you, O Bethlehem Ephrathah,

who are too little be among the clans of Judah,

from you shall come forth for me

One who is to be ruler in Israel,

whose coming forth is from of old,

from ancient days.

Therefore he shall give them up until the time

when she who is in labor has given birth;

then the rest of his brothers shall return to the people of Israel. 

And he shall stand and shepherd his flock

in the strength of the Lord,

in the majesty of the name of the Lord his God.

And they shall dwell secure, for now he shall be great

to the ends of the earth.

And he shall be their peace.

Micah 5:2-5

It resonates deep in my soul. It is an ancient promise, and it was a late promise to those who heard it. 

All of creation had been holding it's breath for that moment. 

Even when this promise was made, years before the fulfillment, they were waiting. I can almost see them with the anticipation in their eyes, hoping against hope that salvation was coming. Despairing because it seemed like it wasn't going to happen.

Maybe I identify with that. With that mixture of despair and hope.

That promise is as much for me as it was for them. But I get to see it. I see it with my eyes, I feel it with my heart, my soul is defined by it. 

I dwell secure and He is my peace.

I am anticipating Him, and I have already received Him. 

Now....and not yet.

I don't know why this year is different. But I feel a deep joy, one that doesn't make sense, bubbling up at the thought of Him, His sacrifice to take on flesh in the most helpless form. To save my helpless form. 

O come Thou Dayspring, come and cheer

Our spirits by thine advent here;

Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,

And deaths dark shadows put to flight.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel!

Shall come to thee, Oh Israel!