Freedom

I have lived life cautiously.

I don't know what it is that has caused me to be that way. I have always lived timidly, afraid of failure, disappointment, and disapproval. Always worried about what is "the right thing."

I have lived in constant fear.

And while I have lived so cautiously, never rocking the boat or causing trouble, I have still felt an incredible sense of shame. Shame for who I am, for what I have done, for what I'm not, for what I can never, ever be.

The enemy is so good at paralysis.

I have been paralyzed by my fear of failure. I can't move or breathe because what if someone disapproves of it? I can't relax ever because aren't I standing on the brink of utter failure at every moment? Shouldn't I always have my guard up, just in case someone sees who I really am and doesn't like it?

It's actually really silly when I think about it. It's even sillier when I stop the crazy self-talk and think about how very few people have been disappointed in me. Or at least have told me that they were.

My whole life I have heard about the freedom that exists in Jesus. And even thought that I understand what that is and that I am partaking wholeheartedly in it.

But does freedom look like paralysis?

Just this morning, God so gently has shown me how my thoughts are so enslaving. The thought that I have to be or do or look like in order to be perfect and not fail. He has taken off my shackles and I, without knowing, have been sitting there, right next to where they are, fashioning new shackles.

"Yeah, yeah, God, thanks for taking those off...I got this the rest of the way. Don't worry about it. I can do this."

It is only when I have come to the complete end of my ability and still feel lacking that I can see that he has done all of the things I have so desperately been trying to do for myself. He has been, he has done, he is perfect. It is finished (when will I ever truly believe that it is finished?).

He has covered me over in the perfection of his blood. There's nothing left for me to do to save myself.

So, there is freedom in Jesus - a sweeter freedom to let go of all those things I have striven for, realizing that they're already accomplished. His approval of me is so much more than anything I can receive from people. And he showed his approval in the most holy of ways.

His grace is enough. Even for me.

Pray that I can relax in this grace. Pray that I can bask in this holy freedom that is mine in him. Pray it for yourself, if you have fought for so long and still find yourself lacking. It's real and it's done.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

Romans 8:1-4

Health and Hope

I've not known what to write or how, but I've known something needs to be said. Forgive me if it is not said eloquently.

I have run myself into the ground. So far into the ground that you might not be able to see me for all the dirt around me.

I have busied myself to the point of being unable to even know who I am or what I think. It wasn't intentional. I even thought I was doing the "right thing." Outwardly appearing to have everything together while the inside has been crumbling.

It's the beginning of a new year. Every other blogger in the world is busy naming their new year, reflecting on the past year, resolving to do/be/become better. It's natural and good to have a new, fresh beginning every year.

I don't typically buy into that whole "new year" thing. Resolutions are set ups for disappointment and failure, which I already have plenty of, thank you very much. But God has led me to a new place, quietly. A place of newness, casting off the old, broken self and stepping forward into health. He has chosen this precise time for reasons I don't know. And it coincides with this new year.

I have always thought of myself as a big plate person. There are people who can handle and accomplish much - big plate people. There are people who are barely capable of handling themselves - small plate people. I even took pride in my big plate-ness. I was so capable, so reliable, so very trustworthy to get the job done. I don't know if my plate has shrunk or if I was operating under the big plate mentality while all along possessing a very small plate capability.

It wasn't until depression and anxiety set in with full force that I realized something had to give. I began to feel my sickness because it was forcing me to feel it. It is clear that I do not know how to be healthy. I have worked and worked and worked, never allowing myself Sabbath, never caring for myself because caring for myself seemed selfish. I didn't realize that I can only serve others well when I am healthy myself.

God is calling me into further dependence on him. I never thought it would look like this: stepping down from kids ministry, a bedtime, boundaries - in short, less activity. I guess I thought I would just continue striving forward, trying harder, and it would just get easier. Wrong.

Everything looks and feels like failure. And yet he is supplying hope, gratitude, and maybe even joy in this time of incapability. The more I realize how little I can accomplish, the more I see how he is opening up avenues for health and growth and intimacy with him. He is removing things that I might see his face more clearly.

I have even breathed out thanks for all of my struggles because they are leading me here.

I'm not naming this year. This year holds what it holds, and only he will show me in time what this year is about. This year might look to others like a year of utter failure or unproductive. I'm ok with that.

I'm more hopeful than I have been in a long time. My God is good to allow me to struggle, to feel the weight of my sickness. He is also good to redeem me from it. He is full of mercy and pours out grace upon grace upon grace. He takes the broken girl and declares me healed. Even as I am presently healing.

May I urge you to call on him? I know that's not how I usually end these things...but my heart wants his redemption and comfort for you as much as it longs for my own. I promise that he will be good to answer you. If you are struggling, depressed, anxious, hurting...he is there. Take it from the girl who thought she could bootstrap her way through - you can't. But he can and has made you free from those things, just as he is doing and has done with me.

Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;

I will protect him, because he knows my name.

When he calls to me, I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble;

I will rescue him and honor him.

With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.

Psalm 91:14-16

The righteous flourish like the palm tree

and grow like a cedar in Lebanon.

They are planted in the house of the Lord;

they flourish in the courts of our God.

They still bear fruit in old age;

they are ever full of sap and green,

to declare that the Lord is upright;

he is my rock

and there is no unrighteousness in him.

Psalm 92:12-15