Freedom

I have lived life cautiously.

I don't know what it is that has caused me to be that way. I have always lived timidly, afraid of failure, disappointment, and disapproval. Always worried about what is "the right thing."

I have lived in constant fear.

And while I have lived so cautiously, never rocking the boat or causing trouble, I have still felt an incredible sense of shame. Shame for who I am, for what I have done, for what I'm not, for what I can never, ever be.

The enemy is so good at paralysis.

I have been paralyzed by my fear of failure. I can't move or breathe because what if someone disapproves of it? I can't relax ever because aren't I standing on the brink of utter failure at every moment? Shouldn't I always have my guard up, just in case someone sees who I really am and doesn't like it?

It's actually really silly when I think about it. It's even sillier when I stop the crazy self-talk and think about how very few people have been disappointed in me. Or at least have told me that they were.

My whole life I have heard about the freedom that exists in Jesus. And even thought that I understand what that is and that I am partaking wholeheartedly in it.

But does freedom look like paralysis?

Just this morning, God so gently has shown me how my thoughts are so enslaving. The thought that I have to be or do or look like in order to be perfect and not fail. He has taken off my shackles and I, without knowing, have been sitting there, right next to where they are, fashioning new shackles.

"Yeah, yeah, God, thanks for taking those off...I got this the rest of the way. Don't worry about it. I can do this."

It is only when I have come to the complete end of my ability and still feel lacking that I can see that he has done all of the things I have so desperately been trying to do for myself. He has been, he has done, he is perfect. It is finished (when will I ever truly believe that it is finished?).

He has covered me over in the perfection of his blood. There's nothing left for me to do to save myself.

So, there is freedom in Jesus - a sweeter freedom to let go of all those things I have striven for, realizing that they're already accomplished. His approval of me is so much more than anything I can receive from people. And he showed his approval in the most holy of ways.

His grace is enough. Even for me.

Pray that I can relax in this grace. Pray that I can bask in this holy freedom that is mine in him. Pray it for yourself, if you have fought for so long and still find yourself lacking. It's real and it's done.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

Romans 8:1-4