Quiet Healing

I've gone quiet, I know. 

For some it may be disconcerting to not hear from me. It might cause concern and wonder. It's ok.

This thing that is happening, these changes...they're subtle. Quiet. There aren't revelations with much fanfare. It seems like a time for silence. Like when you are working hard at something you're not necessarily good at, but you can get it, if you just focus. 

We fall silent when we're working hardest. 

And I'm working very hard. 

There is a pattern of thinking that I have fallen into my whole life. It's a product of the fall...as all things like this are.

I've always been a negative, critical person. Ok, maybe not always but my whole adult life for sure. There is something about life going in the complete opposite direction of your expectations that can cause this. It's kind of like a sickness you can't shake.

It's no good being negative and critical of the people around you. I learned this a while ago and managed to stifle it, keeping those thoughts to myself, for the most part. 

But I didn't think anything about the constant stream of negative thoughts against myself. I thought it was normal to find yourself lacking, to generally not like yourself. These negative, demeaning thoughts have been running in the background of my mind for years. Sometimes louder, sometimes quiet, but always there. Always telling me that I would never, ever be good enough. 

Some of you may know what that's like. Some of you may be appalled.

It's a sinister self-harm...this emotional abuse that you think is normal. The perpetrator and the victim are one and the same, so who is to blame? 

I would still be right there, in my awful circle of hate I created for myself, if it weren't for the work of the Lord through some people who love me deeply and could see what I was doing. And they told me to stop. 

It's almost like I didn't know it was happening until somebody said "hey, don't you see that you're sawing your own arm off? Doesn't that hurt?"

Love your neighbor as yourself, he says. So often we focus on what it means to love our neighbor, taking for granted that we already know how to love ourselves. But some of us don't know how to love ourselves at all. How can I possibly love my neighbor well if I'm abusive to myself?

So, I'm learning. I don't always get it right. But my learning looks like investing in myself. I'm running. (I know, me, running?!) I'm running for me. Because I should take care of myself by pushing myself. I'm sleeping...and what I mean is I'm intentionally making sure that I sleep. Because it's not right for me to run on fumes. My bedtime is guarded now, because I'm important enough for it to be. I'm not pressuring myself to be who I think others think I should be. That sentence is ridiculous, but it's been my reality for a long time. And I'm not doing it anymore. 

There are other things that I'm learning to do. And God is giving me this beautiful quiet space to learn it. It is full of his mercy and grace, this place in time he created for me.

I'm the best I've been in a long time. And that is saying a lot. 

He is so faithful to me. His love for me has never wavered, even when I am full of self-loathing. He looks at me and calls me beautiful, when I feel least worthy of the word. 

If you are caught in a cycle of self-abuse, whatever that looks like...please stop. I know it's hard. But doesn't it hurt? 

He is ready to bind up your wounds and to teach you a new way. It won't be perfect at first, but he is patient. He has your whole life to teach you. It's worth it.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.

Psalm 139:13-18