I had thought that God was showing his faithfulness when I was offered my long awaited dayshift position. I was praising him for sustaining me through one of the hardest things I had ever done, and even found the close bittersweet.
I also thought that God was showing his faithfulness through the healing he has done in the last year. Depression and anxiety are not defeated yet, but he has guided me gently through healing I didn't know I needed in ways I didn't see coming. I was praising him for how he had healed my brain and was making me whole again.
Things were really looking up.
And then, as is so common...the unexpected. Something that started as a mild annoyance has turned into full blown pain and disability. My feet have been almost literally knocked out from under me by a seemingly simple little nerve being compressed...it sounds almost silly. I assure you that it does not feel silly. Suddenly, dayshift has to wait. Work has to wait. Productivity has to wait. Cleaning the house has to wait. Everything has to wait for the healing of something I never saw coming.
I hate waiting.
And yet, God is faithful. In circumstances that could easily push me to my very lowest, I can honestly say the only reason I'm ok is because he is holding me up. And dare I say, that he has prepared me for this.
He taught me through 5 and a half years of night shift to lean heavily on him. To seek his face in the darkness. To hold tight when nothing makes sense.
He has shown me through depression and anxiety that he has made me strong, through his strength. He has taught me a new way, a way of hope and not despair. That there is always his light to see, even when it seems black as night.
I can honestly say that in this weird time of helplessness and pain, I have joy. I have contentment. I have faith that he is orchestrating healing, whatever that looks like. That is not a testament to who I am but testimony of him. He is present. He is faithful. He loves so well.
He has provided for me in ways to numerous to count, mostly seen in the faces of people who are loving me, holding my hand, letting me cry, checking on me. He has provided abundantly in time off to heal, in financial security, in doctors to help.
I see him all around me.
Not every day is easy. Not every day looks like peace. But the water that runs through me is deeper than surface turbulence. So I'm better than ok, I'm good! And I am overwhelmingly thankful. He is so good. He is so good.
I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart; I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation; I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness from the great congregation. As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain your mercy from me; your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me!
Psalm 40:10-11
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