One Year

We didn't plan on going back to the hotel so early. After all, we were in Florida all together and wanted to celebrate! We had spent a long day listening to amazing speakers like John Piper and D.A. Carson (my favorite), and had decided to go out for dinner and enjoy it.

As we sat in the restaurant, two things became apparent. Number one: Kristy was getting a migraine. Number two: the rain outside was more than just regular rain - it was an official tropical storm. 

We decided to split into two groups: the brave extroverts who really wanted to go to karaoke and the introverts who were not upset to have an excuse to not go. The introverts headed back to the hotel to relax and hope that Kristy's migraine went away.

We all lounged in the hotel room, sometimes watching TV and sometimes just talking. Introvert fun. It was during a conversation that it all became much more serious.

I honestly don't remember what exactly I said - to me it was an innocent comment about being single, full of bitterness and anger, but in a socially acceptable way. Rachel (what are best friends for?) called it out and said something like, " See what I have to deal with?"

That's when the conversation turned. The next thing I knew I was being asked a lot of questions about why I felt that way. I'm pretty sure "How does the Gospel answer that?" was asked several times. I was in tears within minutes. 

I had spent a lot of my life being angry, bitter, resentful, afraid, and untrusting. I felt justified in it because hadnt my circumstances been bad? Wasn't I the one who was dragged around everywhere, not able to really be a kid? Hadn't I lost all the normal experiences that the American teenager typically has? Wasn't it God's responsibility to give me a husband and children when I thought I was ready? My reasons for feeling that way were infinite.

I sat on the edge of the bed, in tears and angry that I was being called out. But it didn't get better. Because then somebody suggested that we pray.

I didn't want to pray then. What I didn't say was that I had come to a point where I really didn't want to pray at all. Why exert the effort if He didn't care to listen to me anyway?

Nevertheless, I ended up in the middle of a circle of women as they began to pray...they prayed for Him to soften my heart, they prayed for Him to help me release my anger, they prayed for Him to help me trust Him. It was all fine, not great, until, after a moment of silence, Kristy asked me to pray.

I couldn't open my mouth. I wanted to just do it so that this awful, intense moment would be over and they would think that I was better. But I couldn't speak. Something would not allow me to fake it. It had been long enough.

So, I just cried. I managed to say that I couldn't do it. I don't know how long we sat like that, with them encouraging me, and praying. Kristy saw a vision of the Lord reaching His hand down to me in love, waiting for response. I didn't believe that it was true. 

I have never felt so uncomfortable in my body in my life. I remember kneeling next to the bed and just writhing because it felt so bad to realize all of the ugly inside of me...it had to be reconciled. It seemed as though there was a war being waged right there inside me and I was feeling all of it. 

They began to ask me if I could forgive. They began listing people that I was angry and bitter against, asking if I could forgive them each individually. He had softened my heart enough to the point that I could respond. I knew this was important, that I couldn't just say, "I forgive them" unless it was true. Sometimes I forgave right away. Sometimes it took a little while. But one by one, I let it go. It felt like letting my grip go of things I had held tightly. Handing it to somebody else to carry. I guess I didn't realize that He had already carried it.

After a long time of listing and forgiving, Kristy asked me to pray again. And this time I could. I asked for forgiveness for holding things that weren't mine, for bitterness and anger against Him who had loved me to hell and back. I handed it all to Him. And it was finished.

After we were done, I remember feeling strange. Almost like there was an empty place inside of me, but not a bad one. A lightness maybe. With snot in my hair and eyes swollen, I was free. 

That day wasn't the end, but the beginning of a year of incredible transformation. It was the catalyst to a host of other things that the Lord wanted to do and is doing in me. It felt like almost as soon as one thing was resolved, another would bubble up to the top, and had to be dealt with. It was hard work, and it was horrible. And amazing. 

I can say now that I am not an angry person, bitter and unforgiving. That may always be my tendency and I have to guard against it, but the foundation for it isn't there anymore. I have learned to find my identity in Jesus, I can now function without being worried of what others think of me...I am free to be who He has made me to be, both when I was formed in my mother's womb and when He took my sinful identity on the cross. I can trust Him, even if I don't know where we're going or why. I can truly have joy, no matter what circumstances are in my life. I am free from the chains that bound me, keeping me from experiencing the miracle of a relationship with my Creator and Savior.

I am new! I have been made new.

And he who was seated on the throne said, Behold, I am making all things new. Also he said, Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true. And he said to me, It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. 

Revelation 21:5-7

Tree to Tree

I was talking to a friend the other day about my discouragement (see previous post if you want to know what I'm talking about). She told me about something her mom told her and it's been running through my mind the past few days.

She said that right now I'm just walking tree to tree. All I can see in front of me is the next tree in the forest...which doesn't feel like "the answer." But sometimes, walking tree to tree is all you can handle. You can't see the big picture, you can't see the open meadow that's waiting for you...all you see is the closest tree.

The more I think about it, the more comforting this is. The reality is, there will probably be more times in my life that I'm walking tree to tree than I'm walking in the open meadow. That's just the way life tends to go. But if I can learn to walk tree to tree well while I hold His hand, that will be something that I can learn to cherish, even if I would rather see the meadow.

Is my life not what I want it to be? No, it's not. Is it difficult? Heck yes, it is. But I trust the One leading.

So, if you need me, I'll be holding His hand...walking to the closest tree.

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me. Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous. Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. Remember your mercy, O Lord, and your steadfast love, for they have been from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O Lord ! Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies. For your name's sake, O Lord, pardon my guilt, for it is great. Who is the man who fears the Lord ? Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose. His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land. The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant. My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins. Consider how many are my foes, and with what violent hatred they hate me. Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you. Redeem Israel, O God, out of all his troubles. 

Psalm 25

Discouragement

Discouragement is real. It can hit you, all of a sudden, out of nowhere with just a word, just a thought, just a look. Bam. And there it is.

Sometimes it can just seep in through the cracks...you know, those cracks in your joy, when you are trusting but then there's that little tiny bit of you that doesn't. Right there is where it gets in. That little part of you that isn't sure that God really is good. Is it ok to say that?

It'll get you so fast you didn't see it coming and it'll creep in so slow you didn't notice when it arrived.

And, of course, the answer is to just keep persevering, just keep trusting, know that His plan is good.

But a discouraged heart really can't handle that, I don't think.

There comes a point when it needs to be real, when you have to be real about it and just say "You know what? I freaking hate this. And I don't get it. And it hurts. A lot. And maybe I would rather just melt away and be done than to keep doing this."

That's when you drop the facade, that's when you know the real you, how you really feel. When you take that moment and just be honest with yourself. 

It doesn't look good. And people might worry about you. That's fine.

At least if you can do that, then you won't have to pretend, even if it's just for a minute.

And when you really look at yourself and you really look at God and ask "Seriously? This is your real plan for me?", that's when you really know where you stand. Because when He answers back "Yes," and you don't run away....that's real. That's where you really are.

And it's not good.

But it's not bad either.

I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. When I remember God, I moan; when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. I consider the days of old, the years long ago. I said, "Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart." Then my spirit made a diligent search: "Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?" Selah Then I said, "I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High." I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples. 
Psalms 77:1-14

Home

Sometimes I have this weird thought. It usually comes around when I'm exhausted with life and just don't have energy to keep going.

"I want to go home."

Funny thing is, it comes up when I AM home. At my house, laying in my bed...how much more "home" do you get?

Maybe my homesickness is more acute than most because for me, the question has always been "where is home?" Is it Tennessee? Argentina? That house? The apartment?

Where is home? Really?

More and more I'm convinced that  going to be homesick the rest of my life. Because even if I stay right here until I die, will it really be home?

Is home a place? A feeling? A person?

Funny how homesickness tends to go hand in hand with my dependence on God. In the moments when I am most incapable of helping myself, I feel the most homesick. Longing to be home. With Him, where I can depend and rely, and He will provide every single thing. And He will see my face, and I will see His. And I can just, finally, FINALLY...relax.

Because I will be His, and nothing else will matter. Everything else will melt away, and there will just be Him. And He is home.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. 

Revelation 21:1-4