As we sat in the restaurant, two things became apparent. Number one: Kristy was getting a migraine. Number two: the rain outside was more than just regular rain - it was an official tropical storm.
We decided to split into two groups: the brave extroverts who really wanted to go to karaoke and the introverts who were not upset to have an excuse to not go. The introverts headed back to the hotel to relax and hope that Kristy's migraine went away.
We all lounged in the hotel room, sometimes watching TV and sometimes just talking. Introvert fun. It was during a conversation that it all became much more serious.
I honestly don't remember what exactly I said - to me it was an innocent comment about being single, full of bitterness and anger, but in a socially acceptable way. Rachel (what are best friends for?) called it out and said something like, " See what I have to deal with?"
That's when the conversation turned. The next thing I knew I was being asked a lot of questions about why I felt that way. I'm pretty sure "How does the Gospel answer that?" was asked several times. I was in tears within minutes.
I had spent a lot of my life being angry, bitter, resentful, afraid, and untrusting. I felt justified in it because hadnt my circumstances been bad? Wasn't I the one who was dragged around everywhere, not able to really be a kid? Hadn't I lost all the normal experiences that the American teenager typically has? Wasn't it God's responsibility to give me a husband and children when I thought I was ready? My reasons for feeling that way were infinite.
I sat on the edge of the bed, in tears and angry that I was being called out. But it didn't get better. Because then somebody suggested that we pray.
I didn't want to pray then. What I didn't say was that I had come to a point where I really didn't want to pray at all. Why exert the effort if He didn't care to listen to me anyway?
Nevertheless, I ended up in the middle of a circle of women as they began to pray...they prayed for Him to soften my heart, they prayed for Him to help me release my anger, they prayed for Him to help me trust Him. It was all fine, not great, until, after a moment of silence, Kristy asked me to pray.
I couldn't open my mouth. I wanted to just do it so that this awful, intense moment would be over and they would think that I was better. But I couldn't speak. Something would not allow me to fake it. It had been long enough.
So, I just cried. I managed to say that I couldn't do it. I don't know how long we sat like that, with them encouraging me, and praying. Kristy saw a vision of the Lord reaching His hand down to me in love, waiting for response. I didn't believe that it was true.
I have never felt so uncomfortable in my body in my life. I remember kneeling next to the bed and just writhing because it felt so bad to realize all of the ugly inside of me...it had to be reconciled. It seemed as though there was a war being waged right there inside me and I was feeling all of it.
They began to ask me if I could forgive. They began listing people that I was angry and bitter against, asking if I could forgive them each individually. He had softened my heart enough to the point that I could respond. I knew this was important, that I couldn't just say, "I forgive them" unless it was true. Sometimes I forgave right away. Sometimes it took a little while. But one by one, I let it go. It felt like letting my grip go of things I had held tightly. Handing it to somebody else to carry. I guess I didn't realize that He had already carried it.
After a long time of listing and forgiving, Kristy asked me to pray again. And this time I could. I asked for forgiveness for holding things that weren't mine, for bitterness and anger against Him who had loved me to hell and back. I handed it all to Him. And it was finished.
After we were done, I remember feeling strange. Almost like there was an empty place inside of me, but not a bad one. A lightness maybe. With snot in my hair and eyes swollen, I was free.
That day wasn't the end, but the beginning of a year of incredible transformation. It was the catalyst to a host of other things that the Lord wanted to do and is doing in me. It felt like almost as soon as one thing was resolved, another would bubble up to the top, and had to be dealt with. It was hard work, and it was horrible. And amazing.
I can say now that I am not an angry person, bitter and unforgiving. That may always be my tendency and I have to guard against it, but the foundation for it isn't there anymore. I have learned to find my identity in Jesus, I can now function without being worried of what others think of me...I am free to be who He has made me to be, both when I was formed in my mother's womb and when He took my sinful identity on the cross. I can trust Him, even if I don't know where we're going or why. I can truly have joy, no matter what circumstances are in my life. I am free from the chains that bound me, keeping me from experiencing the miracle of a relationship with my Creator and Savior.
I am new! I have been made new.
And he who was seated on the throne said, Behold, I am making all things new. Also he said, Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true. And he said to me, It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son.
Revelation 21:5-7
What a blessing to have such friends!
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