Sometimes it can just seep in through the cracks...you know, those cracks in your joy, when you are trusting but then there's that little tiny bit of you that doesn't. Right there is where it gets in. That little part of you that isn't sure that God really is good. Is it ok to say that?
It'll get you so fast you didn't see it coming and it'll creep in so slow you didn't notice when it arrived.
And, of course, the answer is to just keep persevering, just keep trusting, know that His plan is good.
But a discouraged heart really can't handle that, I don't think.
There comes a point when it needs to be real, when you have to be real about it and just say "You know what? I freaking hate this. And I don't get it. And it hurts. A lot. And maybe I would rather just melt away and be done than to keep doing this."
That's when you drop the facade, that's when you know the real you, how you really feel. When you take that moment and just be honest with yourself.
It doesn't look good. And people might worry about you. That's fine.
At least if you can do that, then you won't have to pretend, even if it's just for a minute.
And when you really look at yourself and you really look at God and ask "Seriously? This is your real plan for me?", that's when you really know where you stand. Because when He answers back "Yes," and you don't run away....that's real. That's where you really are.
And it's not good.
But it's not bad either.
I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. When I remember God, I moan; when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. I consider the days of old, the years long ago. I said, "Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart." Then my spirit made a diligent search: "Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?" Selah Then I said, "I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High." I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples.
Psalms 77:1-14
I totally relate with this. struggling with issues of my own, I tend to question where God is in all this. but I continue to trust. I pray God strengthens you with joy in this season. it's good to read some of your words here. it's good to process.
ReplyDeleteLove you my sister. this is real. and i love it. i am praying the Spirit fights for your heart. that you remain captivated by Him even while it seems strange.
ReplyDeleteThis is real: Your pain takes my breath away. I am worried for you. . .some. I am sad for your sorrow and I want to come out there and fix something. I wonder when will your night of weeping end? When will the morning of joy come? But the trust you have that is not conquerable, even with crushing sorrow, is my trust, too. So I take your hand and I sit beside you while you figure this out. And we wait. And pray. And hope. And He is here and at work.
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