Holding Back

This has been a long time brewing (ok, a couple of weeks). 

We're going through the book of Genesis in church this year. A few weeks ago we went through the story of Cain and Abel.

"Just so you know, you're Cain in this story." 

That's how it opened. 

Having thought about it longer, I was always supposed to assume I was Cain. Somewhere along my self-righteous path, I put myself in Abel's spot. Blameless and persecuted. Not in everything, but in a lot of ways, I did. 

I've been Cain in so many ways. And I'm so grateful for grace because of that. But I realized that I'm still being Cain in one very specific way.

Abel brought a sacrifice. So did Cain. The difference was that Cain's sacrifice was not whole hearted. Abel's sacrifice was the best he had to offer. Cain's was what he wanted to offer.

Cain held back from the Lord.

Who knows why? Maybe he was the selfish, hateful person we make him out to be. He probably was. Aren't we all? Maybe he felt like God wouldn't provide for him if he gave the best. Maybe he thought he was being wise by keeping it to provide for himself. Maybe he even thought he was doing well to look to the future and make sure God didn't have to work too hard to help him. Maybe he wasn't that different from us. 

Cain's first sin wasn't murdering his brother and hiding the evidence. His first sin was not engaging and trusting the Lord with abandon.

It was then I saw myself. Holding back from the full intimacy of trusting the Lord. It's hard to explain because it isn't tangible. Maybe some of you would say you haven't even seen that in me. Maybe you have. 

I have functioned so long with this complex that God is going to get me someday. One of these days he's really going to make me suffer. This makes him untrustworthy. So, yeah, I trust you, God. Until I don't. Until that moment when you unleash your fury on me. And if I know it's coming, I'll just wait right here out of reach, praising you. Kind of.

And yet, as I listened about Cain and Abel, I realized that God wanted all of Cain. And he actually had Cain, except that Cain would not be had. He held back. 

What does it look like to fall, limp, not trying to save myself anymore, into the arms of the God who has loved me since before time? To tumble into the scary vastness and care of the intimacy he has been asking me to enter into for so long.

Reality is that he has always been there. He has always known me, known me more than I can ever know myself. More than anyone else can know me. Would

I seek to let him know me like that?

The last few weeks have been interesting. I will sometimes feel my soul tense up with the scariness of letting go of my control. Control I never had.

But then I'm reminded of how he loves me. Fiercely, intimately, unconditionally. It's easier to relax when you know the one holding you loves you like that.

Maybe this is all rambling. But, if you didn't get any of the above, know this. 

I am his daughter. And I'm resting in a sweet embrace I didn't know was there for me. And he is so good.

Praise the Lord! I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart, in the company of the upright, in the congregation. Great are the works of the Lord, studied by all who delight in them. Full of splendor and majesty is his work, and his righteousness endures forever. He has caused his wondrous works to be remembered; the Lord is gracious and merciful. He provides food for those who fear him; he remembers his covenant forever. He has shown his people the power of his works, in giving them the inheritance of the nations. The works of his hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy; they are established forever and ever, to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness. He sent redemption to his people; he has commanded his covenant forever. Holy and awesome is his name! The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever! 

Psalm 111:1-10

Beauty and Shame

A sermon on shame and a bet to lose weight collide and expose.

I live a life of shame. If I were to write everything that I have felt shame over, it would be more like a book than a blog.

But prior to the sermon, I had been thinking. A lot of videos and blogs have been going around about women talking about their bodies, their body image, and how they've been shamed by the media and the world into thinking something was wrong with them.

And I sit there and watch those videos, and see these beautiful women saying they have always thought themselves not good enough, and think "what a travesty! Can't they see they are gorgeous? I would love to look like them!" 

Wait....

I apply it so well to others. I can discount those lies and see the shame, not in them, but in how the world has shamed them. They shouldn't be told that! They shouldn't be expected to believe that. And I go on, accepting the lies about me as truth.

I have almost always been overweight. Even as a little girl, when I don't know why, but it started, I became ashamed of my body. I looked around and compared and found myself lacking. Or rather, abundant, when I should have been a little more lacking.

So, when I was 17, I decided, no, not me! I'm going to be skinny! And I watched movies and compared, and cried that I couldn't be like that actress. I repulsed myself. I worked out and didn't eat much and felt so deprived, but guess what? I got skinny. Guess what else? I still thought I was fat. 

My body image had been so distorted by so many things that I couldn't see that I had arrived where I had so desperately wanted to be! Blinded by my own shame, I continued to work and got discouraged when the weight wouldn't come off (there wasn't much else to lose!).

So, I quit.

Not all at once, but slowly and surely it crept back on. But it sat there, constantly telling me that not only was I fat, but now I'm a failure because I had gone back. I allowed it to take my worth. 

I was so ashamed. I didn't want to go see anyone I hadn't seen in a while because they would see. My shame would be exposed.

I need to take a minute here and say that no one ever said anything negative to me to make me believe these things. Everyone was nothing but encouraging. I heaped shame on myself.

So, as I watched these videos and even then, compared my body to theirs, I look down at my own body and a tiny thought appeared...."so....what?"

So what if I have rolls? So what if the number on the scale is more than that other girl's? So what if I'm so tall it's weird and so what if I'm pasty white? So what if the clothes size I buy is bigger than society tells me I should buy? So what?

Does it change who I am? Maybe in a few ways. But does it change the fact that I am me, and that God and so many people love me? Not love me anyway, but just genuinely love me? 

This is hard one for me: does it change the fact that maybe, just maybe, I'm beautiful? Just like this? 

I'm beginning to think that I've bought into the lie. The one the enemy said in the garden to Eve - "you're not good enough yet. You just need to do x, eat this, and then you'll be perfect." 

I'm done believing this. Because even though I'm not going to stand here and say that I'm perfect or that there aren't things I want to change, I will stand here and say that I am good enough. Not by my own merit, but by His. He has done the work, the spiritual and the physical. 

I want to lose weight, but because I want to be healthy, not because I've bought into a lie. And I'm done yelling at myself and being repulsed by myself for a number on a scale. It doesn't define me. It doesn't even factor into the equation of my worth.

That equation was solved on a cross. 

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man. I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him. That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already has been; and God seeks what has been driven away. Ecclesiastes 3:11-15

Abundant Gifts

Things are changing in this crazy old heart of mine. That shouldn't surprise anyone, as the blog seems to chronicle the ups and downs of an unsteady woman. 

A few months ago, I think I was at my lowest, emotionally and spiritually, than I have been in a very long time. I would wake up with despair in my heart and cry every night. I don't think it's a secret that last year was really, really hard. 

In the midst of all that low-ness and, let's face it, depression, a need arose in our church. They needed someone to head up the children's ministry.

I don't think it takes a genius to look at the crazy crying girl over here and the magnitude of a children's ministry over there and realize that maybe those two shouldn't mix right now. 

So, I waited to see who would step up. I was already partially involved, but I didn't want to take a spot when I knew what a wreck I was. And I know others could do it better.

Nobody came.

I was baffled by it, a little. I knew I had the time. I did not think I had the gifting in any way. And I was positive somebody amazing was out there and had just forgotten to say they would do it. So, I'm not sure what propelled me to tell them that I would. Not true, actually, I know Who did that. 

So, for the last few months, I have walked forward in fear and trembling, trying to figure this all out. 

I had no idea what a gift He was giving me.

I didn't know how much joy I would receive in being able to serve in the kids' classes on Sunday morning. 

I didn't know how amazing it would be to get to know everyone who selflessly serves our children and our church.

I didn't know that it would mean that my heart that longs to be a mother would get to love so many children, all at once.

I didn't know that being able to help in any way would be such a balm to my cracked, bleeding soul. 

I am not doing this perfectly. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm screwing it up in a lot of ways.

But it is such an overwhelming gift that I can't help but rejoice and worship and pray for help in every moment of being able to serve this way. 

I pray that I can do it well. My number one fear is that I will fail all of the people who are looking to me. May He be gracious to all of us. 

Truly, joy comes in the morning. And after the mourning. And if I can just look up from my mourning, His joy can permeate my soul. And He is a good Father who knows how to give gifts we never anticipated.

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me. O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit. Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name. For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. 

Psalm 30:2-5