We're going through the book of Genesis in church this year. A few weeks ago we went through the story of Cain and Abel.
"Just so you know, you're Cain in this story."
That's how it opened.
Having thought about it longer, I was always supposed to assume I was Cain. Somewhere along my self-righteous path, I put myself in Abel's spot. Blameless and persecuted. Not in everything, but in a lot of ways, I did.
I've been Cain in so many ways. And I'm so grateful for grace because of that. But I realized that I'm still being Cain in one very specific way.
Abel brought a sacrifice. So did Cain. The difference was that Cain's sacrifice was not whole hearted. Abel's sacrifice was the best he had to offer. Cain's was what he wanted to offer.
Cain held back from the Lord.
Who knows why? Maybe he was the selfish, hateful person we make him out to be. He probably was. Aren't we all? Maybe he felt like God wouldn't provide for him if he gave the best. Maybe he thought he was being wise by keeping it to provide for himself. Maybe he even thought he was doing well to look to the future and make sure God didn't have to work too hard to help him. Maybe he wasn't that different from us.
Cain's first sin wasn't murdering his brother and hiding the evidence. His first sin was not engaging and trusting the Lord with abandon.
It was then I saw myself. Holding back from the full intimacy of trusting the Lord. It's hard to explain because it isn't tangible. Maybe some of you would say you haven't even seen that in me. Maybe you have.
I have functioned so long with this complex that God is going to get me someday. One of these days he's really going to make me suffer. This makes him untrustworthy. So, yeah, I trust you, God. Until I don't. Until that moment when you unleash your fury on me. And if I know it's coming, I'll just wait right here out of reach, praising you. Kind of.
And yet, as I listened about Cain and Abel, I realized that God wanted all of Cain. And he actually had Cain, except that Cain would not be had. He held back.
What does it look like to fall, limp, not trying to save myself anymore, into the arms of the God who has loved me since before time? To tumble into the scary vastness and care of the intimacy he has been asking me to enter into for so long.
Reality is that he has always been there. He has always known me, known me more than I can ever know myself. More than anyone else can know me. Would
I seek to let him know me like that?
The last few weeks have been interesting. I will sometimes feel my soul tense up with the scariness of letting go of my control. Control I never had.
But then I'm reminded of how he loves me. Fiercely, intimately, unconditionally. It's easier to relax when you know the one holding you loves you like that.
Maybe this is all rambling. But, if you didn't get any of the above, know this.
I am his daughter. And I'm resting in a sweet embrace I didn't know was there for me. And he is so good.
Praise the Lord! I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart, in the company of the upright, in the congregation. Great are the works of the Lord, studied by all who delight in them. Full of splendor and majesty is his work, and his righteousness endures forever. He has caused his wondrous works to be remembered; the Lord is gracious and merciful. He provides food for those who fear him; he remembers his covenant forever. He has shown his people the power of his works, in giving them the inheritance of the nations. The works of his hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy; they are established forever and ever, to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness. He sent redemption to his people; he has commanded his covenant forever. Holy and awesome is his name! The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever!
Psalm 111:1-10
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