Idol

I've been silent for a while now. I mean blog-wise, but maybe you could say I've been silent in general.

I haven't known what to say.

I'm not even sure I know what to say now. This will either be very short or very long.

All I know is that I'm convicted to write something. I even asked the Holy Spirit "ummm....what exactly do you want me to say?"

Immediately, I saw Moses and the burning bush, and Moses telling God he doesn't talk so good, can somebody else go?

Alright, I'm not going to say that what I have to say is remotely as epic as what Moses had to say. But there was my answer, anyway.

I haven't known what to say, because I haven't even known how to fully express where I am, exactly.

Guess what? I'm struggling with being single. Which is really just another way to say that I'm struggling because of my idolatry of marriage and my lack of trust. I don't believe that God is doing his best for me.

I have honestly come to a point of utter hopelessness about ever getting married. There. I said it. Cue the sympathetic "awws" and encouragement that I will TOTALLY get married, I just need to do x, y, or z.

That's not the point. I've been waiting for something, anything or anybody to encourage me. A verse that can be taken as a sign from the Lord that it will really happen for me. Maybe somebody will have a vision and see my future husband and it's so soon and oh my gosh, we better plan the wedding.

Maybe this is why I haven't been writing.

But all of this is not the real problem.

My real problem is that I refuse to let it go. I refuse to open my fist and let him take this desire of my heart, the one that makes me feel like I'm not sure I want to keep doing this life thing if I don't get it. (No, I'm not suicidal. I promise.) I refuse to let him have the most intimate desires of my heart and soul.

I don't know if it was a breakthrough or just a good day today, but I was thinking about it and it was like he was saying "OK, you can either be miserable and stay here, or you can come with me, and we'll deal with it."

Umm, excuse me, I want you to deal with it by fixing it!

But that's not where I am. And ultimately, is that going to help me? Because what happens when marriage isn't what I thought or what happens if my husband dies or just plain old leaves and then what? Who do I stand with then?

So, I have to deal with it. I have to just hand it to him. Honestly, I don't feel like I have the best attitude about it. There's not so much sweet surrender as there is a chucking the thing and saying "Fine, whatever." Hopefully this will get prettier than that.

But I'm willing to do this. Because deep down in my heart and soul, I know that he's the only one who can fix it. And not just by bringing me a husband, but dealing with my absolute idol that I have made it. I know that, even though I don't feel it right now, or maybe I won't ever, this is the best thing. He's not making a mistake. He's not making a mistake. He's not making a mistake.

Please don't think I'm in despair. Please don't worry about me. We all have something like this.

Please do pray for me. Pray for God to take this really awful idol out of my hands. Pray for my stubborn hands to let go when he pulls. Pray for my heart to be full of joy. Pray for whatever this is going to look like to glorify him. Ultimately, when I get past all the ugly layers, that's what I actually want.

But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?” Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use? What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patiencevessels of wrath prepared for destruction, in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory— even us whom he has called, not from the Jews only but also from the Gentiles? As indeed he says in Hosea,

“Those who were not my people I will call ‘my people,’
    and her who was not beloved I will call ‘beloved.’”
“And in the very place where it was said to them, ‘You are not my people,’
    there they will be called ‘sons of the living God.’”