Perspective

Only 36 hours after leaving home, sitting at the same conference that 2 years ago changed my life, it's clear that I lack perspective. 

It's like that ride at the amusement parks...the one that shoots you up high all of a sudden, taking your breath away, and then you can see for miles (or it feels like miles) and all the people below you look small. 

Nothing changes in that moment that you're on the ride. Except that you can see from a different point of view.

Being pulled up here, to what is traditionally called a "mountaintop experience" (I've always hated that expression), I can see now what my life really looks like.

It's so easy for me to get caught up in the daily. The stuff that is right here in front of me, demanding my attention, either because it is a responsibility or because it is deeply felt. Work, work out, church, Origin kids, eat, sleep, keep going.

It's not that all of those things are bad. It's not even that many of those things should change. I get dragged down by them though, when I can't see above them. Or when I forget to try.

But at a conference with a million (give or take) women, where everything fell apart and came together 2 years ago, I can see so much better for a second. 

If I walk in shadows, with my head hung low, hopelessness in my eyes as I survey my life, it is because I Do. Not. Understand. The Gospel.

Don't be fooled by my ability to quote the events of the gospel. Don't let me deceive you with my words that make sense and flashes of understanding you've seen here. 

If the gospel is true, and if I believe it, there is no cause for anything but rejoicing. 

If what He says is true, and if I'm really saved, and if I really get to live with Him, and if He really promises all of His promises to me, I should feel JOY. It should radiate from my very being. 

Forget singleness, forget night shift, forget struggles and relationship frustrations and being tired and weary. 

Condemn all of that rotten, putrid negativity to hell. 

I am saved. And He is with me. And He loves me. Not just me, but He loves us so much that He did the unthinkable. And He wants us to live with Him for always.

Even as I write that, I think to myself, "Come on, that's the cliche ending to a blog, maybe you should write something different."

And that's the problem, that I even think that. 

That which is incomprehensible and the greatest mystery we will ever know can never be cliche. So I'll say it again. And again. And again. It. Is. Not. Old. News. It's not.

I know this is maybe what you would expect from somebody who just got to hear Don Carson, John Piper, Tim Keller and a whole bunch of other people talk about the gospel for a whole weekend. And you might be thinking, "yeah, we'll see how long that lasts." 

Oh, I know because I'm the cynic. I think that about myself, even now.

I don't know a lot right now. I do know this: I'm going to mess this up. I'm going to get depressed again. I'm going to lose perspective. But I also know my tendencies and shortcomings will not be allowed to devalue what God has/is/will do through His son. He has already fought this battle. 

So, I want to learn what it is to truly be filled with joy not because of my circumstances, not because of how God blesses me or withholds, but because the Gospel is enough. Pray for Him to keep my perspective where it ought to be.

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken. But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me. 

Psalm 13:3-6