Reality

The Lord your God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;

He will rejoice over you with gladness;

He will quiet you by his love;

He will exult over you with loud singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

I started to write a very different blog post last night, and I scratched it. It just wasn't right to write now.

I have been silent. Many of you have noticed and asked why. Thank you for asking why. I'm sorry I haven't had much answer for you.

I could tell you why I've been silent. All the little reasons that have contributed to my discouragement. My depression. Let's call it what it is. 

Ultimately, me running through all those things doesn't help. That's what's gotten me here, to this dark place. Dark doesn't actually accurately describe it - it's very gray here. It's apathy, it's grieving, it's discouragement.

All these things have added up to feel like reality. They do seem so real. They feel real, they look real, and it feels like everyone can see this reality of mine. It feels like others are disappointed in my reality. I'm disappointed in what feels like my reality.

He is so good. He is so good. He is so good.

The title of this blog is accurate. He binds. I wander. I always wander, I allow myself to be thrown around by the waves of life. Life will throw me and I can either look at the waves and tremble, or I can stand firmly, looking at my real reality.

His eyes are so clear. My reality is full of Him. My reality is that this reality is not my reality. His blood is poured out to make what looks like my reality, not real. My reality is full of grace, joy, laughter, tears from the depths of gratitude, mercy. 

A friend sent me the verse at the top of this page several months ago, saying that the Lord gave it to him for me. I honestly couldn't receive it. I don't know that I fully receive it now. But it's my reality. 

May I hear Him singing loudly over me. May the things that drag me down not drown out His precious voice. 

May I rejoice over Him with gladness.