Peace

Anxiety.

It can hit at any moment for any reason and sometimes for no reason at all. People who struggle with anxiety (and let's face it, we all have at some point) have all the verses about anxiety memorized backwards and forwards. They've been quoted to us so much that we probably get to a point where it feels like we're mouthing the words as it's being quoted.

Anxiety has been my constant companion in some form or another. Maybe it's not always that panicky, heart beating fast, cold sweat anxiety. It shows up sometimes in my desire for others to like me. It shows up when I sit and imagine all the could-bes. It shows up when I am dissatisfied in my circumstances.

Not everyone's anxiety is about control. Mine is. I hate to write that, I hate to admit that I have control issues. Because that sounds so type A, and really, I'm not type A. I'm not.

But I want to control it all. Or at least, I'm ok with not controlling it, per se, so long as it goes how I want it to.

Then this morning these verses rub right up against what I have struggled with:

The Lord is at hand, do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:5-7

You probably skimmed it, right? Because we've all heard it. And struggled with it. And decided to just kind of leave it there, because it's too hard to reconcile what this verse says with our realities. I know I have done that.

I have had anxiety because I struggle with God's goodness. Not his goodness in general, but his goodness to me. God is good to others, and I am a leftover. So this whole "making my requests known to God thing" feels futile. Because when you're a leftover, you're just grateful you got in and try not to focus on how you're less than. 

And yet sometimes, with my hands shaking from anxiety, worst-case scenarios flooding my brain, I struggle because I know that he's the giver of all things. But how do I control what happens to me if I ask, and he says no? What if I follow the formula and still nothing happens. How do I protect myself from this very unpredictable, unsafe God?

How do I guard my heart from the God of heaven dashing my hopes and dreams against the rocks of his mighty will?

When you can mouth the words, but not understand them, it's a new level of ignorance.

The answer is at the end. If I make my requests known, then he provides the peace. I thought I had to do the good Christian girl thing and ask, but make sure at the end I say "thy will be done" and then brace for the inevitable blow to my fragile soul when he says no. Sure, I'll ask you, but I'll just be sitting right here out of reach in case you decide to actually do your will. 

He is the giver of all things. Even the things that I thought I had to bring to the table. Peace. He is the giver of peace, even if his answer is no. It isn't up to me to muster up peace, it's not up to me to guard my own heart. He is trustworthy. And if he is trustworthy, then I can ask freely, without feeling like my soul's well-being is dependent on the answer I want. He sees and equips, fills us to the brim and then keeps filling us. 

And he shall stand and shepherd his flock in the strength of the Lord, in the majesty of the name of the Lord his God. And they shall dwell secure, for now he shall be great to the ends of the earth. And he shall be their peace.

Micah 5:4-5

He himself is our peace.