Repentance

I find myself on my knees in repentance today.

I have been wallowing in my feelings of entitlement. The reality of my life and the expectation of my life are colliding, and it's not pretty. It's especially not pretty when I throw a fit about it.

I'm not going to say that I have suffered much. In comparison, my suffering is so small. But it is my own and sometimes I don't handle it that well. 

But I have realized that what I have really been doing is placing myself and my desires above God and what He has planned for me. I think I should get what I want because, hey, I'm important! 

I am a fool.

The problem is that I understand that I was saved, but I don't understand who I am saved to.

Because at the moment that I was saved, I was not just saved to myself, to whatever it is that I want to get out of life. No, I was saved to a holy God. And because I was saved to a holy, completely righteous God, then I am saved to a greater purpose than anything I can imagine. Even if it is vastly different than what I wanted. Or expected. 

His purpose in our salvation is the right and glorious lifting of His name to its place.

And when He saved me, He created in me a new purpose. But sometimes standing in the midst of a holy purpose is so uncomfortable. I want to have the glory of heaven but on earth. I also want it to feel good. I want what He wants for me and what I want for me to be the same. And all that shows is that while I am saved, I am still being transformed.

So does that mean that now I get it? Now I fully understand and I can walk joyfully through whatever suffering He calls me to? I wish. I wish it was that simple for me. Odds are that it's not. 

But what I can do now is be aware of the selfish heart I carry within myself. And maybe I'll find myself on my knees more and on a pedestal less. 

The reality is that He is a holy, good God. And His purpose for me is my good because of His deep and unfailing love for me. May I learn to believe that.

Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel... 

1 Timothy 1:8-10