Night Shift

It's been 5 years.

5 years straight of staying up all night long, 12 hour shifts that stretch from 7:00 PM to 7:00 AM.

5 years.

I am not built for night shift. Ever since I was a little girl, when night time started coming, I started falling apart. My mom called it "the night time sadness." It was not pretty. It generally included a fair amount of anxiety, lots of crying, and probably lots of frustration on my mom's part, although she was sweet to hide it (usually).

Guess what? I grew up, took a night shift position, and believe it or not....it's the same. There's a lot of anxiety, more crying than I would care to admit, and yes, the people who have to deal with me would probably say that they get frustrated, although they are sweet about it.

Those of you who haven't worked night shift might think that a person could adjust to it. I'm here to tell you that, at least for me, it's not true. My body is in full rebellion against this "sleeping during the day" thing, which causes my crazy to escalate. There's no getting used to it for this girl.

Before you get all "poor Emily" on me, let's be real. Everybody has something hard to deal with. Maybe you don't have to stay up all night, but there is something that is really, really difficult for you in your life. Maybe you don't like your job, maybe your kids are driving you crazy, maybe you feel completely and utterly alone. Maybe it's worse than that. But everybody has something.

But here's the other thing....is God not sovereign?

What I mean by that is, did He not know what our circumstances would be? And does He not walk with us, dwell in us, work in us...anyway?

And what if it's not just "anyway" but "because of?"

So often I have despaired over my haywire mind, exhausted body, and broken spirit. I've been angry, frustrated, and, I'm a little ashamed to say, hopeless about it.

1 Peter starts out like this "To those who are elect exiles of the dispersion in Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia, and Bithynia, according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, in the sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and for sprinkling with his blood: May grace and peace be multiplied to you."

I don't know a lot about this, but I do know that being an exile is generally a bad thing. Nobody wants to be exiled (unless you maybe have a toddler that won't let you go to the bathroom by yourself. Then exile sounds pretty great). But God foreknew what their situation would be. And they aren't called to "just push through" "try to survive," or "hang in there."

They're called to grace and peace that multiplies...despite their circumstances. And maybe because of.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 

1 Peter 1:3-7

Night shift has been so hard for me. So, so hard. But there is a sanctification that God is doing in and through it that I wouldn't trade. He has caused my eyes to be opened to my inability. I think I can just power through things, but I just can't power through night shift. He is the only one who can sustain me, because my brain doesn't even function right. But his does. 

He has created a new, stronger, more child-like faith, because He has allowed me to be brought down to my knees. My faith is being made more precious than gold, by no merit of my own, and despite a lot of resistance on my part.

So, no, I don't want to stay on night shift one more minute than I have to. I'm praying for day shift. But would I trade what he has given me over the course of 5 years of night shift? I can't say that I would. He has placed me here, on purpose. He knew exactly what night shift would do, and he allowed it, because he is good, his ways are good, his plan for me is good. And the best for me, right now, in this moment, is the hard of night shift. And it's good.