Willing

Well, I looked it in the face. I've been avoiding that, afraid that I might see my own face reflected back at me. I looked at the what-if, and I survived it. 

I think everybody has the what-if. That thing that if it happens, you're not sure you can keep going. You're not sure that you can continue to stand, if it happens. The dreaded what-if.

My what-if is a life of loneliness stretched before me. My what-if is "What if I never get married, or have children? What if this is it? What if this is my life?" What if?

It's a hard what-if to look at. I had only managed side glances, and that had been more than enough for me, to send me spiraling into the depths of the what-if. But it was time. Because what if the what-if....is real?

So, I looked at it. And I cried. A lot. So much crying, it's embarassing. And I felt hopeless. And I didn't want to accept it. And I was mad and frustrated and confused and MAD!

And then, in the midst of my agony, a conversation completely not about the what-if strikes me.

I don't necessarily need to want to. But am I willing?

What? 

My brain wants to tell me those are the same thing. That wanting to be single and being willing to be single are just another way to say each other. But it's not.

Am. I. Willing?

So, I looked at the what-if again. And what I hadn't been able to see clearly before was made clear now. He stands just behind the what-if. He looks at me and asks "Are you willing?" 

And if being willing means walking toward him, even if the what-if is in my path, then I will. I am willing. Because if he's there in the what-if, then it can't be that bad. It would be better than walking a different direction, without him. 

And what-ifs aren't concrete until they are. But if I can let go of all my pain surrounding the what-if and look at the man behind all what-ifs and in all what-ifs, then no what-if will consume me. 

And I'm willing.

For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name’s sake you lead me and guide me; you take me out of the net they have hidden for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God. 

Psalm 31:3-5