Pride

I am so full of pride.

Everything about me just screams pride, and yet I haven't even noticed it until today. Not really. 

I knew that my criticism of others definitely came from pride. But I didn't know that it ran so deep.

My pride says that I deserve. Despite everything I say about grace and God in his mercifulness, deep down...I think I deserve it. Somehow I, a no one, deserves God to give the ultimate sacrifice. I'm a fool full of pride. 

I feel entitled to things. I feel like I am owed. I am owed a husband. I am owed children. I am owed to live comfortably. I am owed respect. And if I don't get those things, then I deserve to be able to be mad. To scream and cry and be upset. And I am justified in it. 

What a wretched fool I am.

These lies seep in so deep, I don't even feel them. They have grown into my flesh, become one with my soul. And, to top off my treachery, I can say all the right things to make you think I am a humble person, a trusting person, one who wants God's glory above all else.

Pathetic. 

But!

He already knew that about me. He knew I would be this way, and he withheld not his grace from me. Undeserved grace. 

I deserve death for even these seemingly harmless thoughts. I am entitled to hell. 

But he does not give me what I deserve. And that is grace poured out again. And again. And again. 

Holy Spirit, remove my pride. May I serve you humbly, grateful for what I am given. It is all more than I deserve. 

“Is it by your understanding that the hawk soars and spreads his wings toward the south? Is it at your command that the eagle mounts up and makes his nest on high? On the rock he dwells and makes his home, on the rocky crag and stronghold. From there he spies out the prey; his eyes behold it from far away. His young ones suck up blood, and where the slain are, there is he. And the Lord said to Job: “Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty? He who argues with God, let him answer it.” 

Job 39:26-40:2