Identity

I am very forgetful. I often can't remember what a person has said immediately following their statement. (Some may call this "not really listening"). But I am most often surprised by my inability to remember where I have been.

I have most recently been on a voyage. A treacherous one, and a tiresome one. I travelled to the end of me and I saw...I saw my inadequacies. My inability to make anything of myself, my lack of control over people's perceptions of me. My complete and utter helplessness.

I looked off the edge and saw everything I could not do or be or say in order to make myself someone, to make myself loved as much as I wanted it. I looked over the edge and saw the vastness, and I felt despair.

And then a Presence. He stood by my side as He looked over the precipice. And then He looked at me, saw my tears, my hair disheveled and my nose runny. A mess, really. And He smiled.

Here I stood, with the Creator of the Universe, of me, and of all the people I so desperately wanted approval from, and I was unsatisfied. I wanted them to like me, wanted them to appreciate every little thing about me. They didn't, and I was hurt.

That's when He spoke. Or really, He had been speaking my whole life, but I could not hear it.

"Did I not make you? Have I made a mistake in you? I am the Creator of all things, heaven and earth. I have made you exactly as I meant to make you. Do not doubt Me."

"Not only did I make you, but I am making you. I gave you breath and I have given you life. I have spoken over you, and you are mine. I have engraved you on My palms and I will place My name on your forehead. Why do you look to others to give only what I can give? My approval, spoken over and sealed on you, from now until forever. It is finished!"

Then I saw what I was doing. Worshipping my idols instead of Him. How silly I was!

From the day I heard Him, I have turned. Away from the cliff and toward He who has jumped for me. And today I realize that He has done even more. All of my fears of failure, disapproval, and inadequacy have been squashed. And I didn't even notice they were gone.

But they are gone. He has given me new life and He continues to give. Over and over, He renews, scrapes debris out of wounds, binds, and heals.

I praise Him for freedom, true and unshakeable. Even if I forget to notice, He is faithful.

But now thus says the Lord , he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.
Fear not, for I am with you;
I will bring your offspring from the east, and from the west I will gather you.
I will say to the north, Give up, and to the south, Do not withhold;
bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the end of the earth,
everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made."
Bring out the people who are blind, yet have eyes,
who are deaf, yet have ears!
All the nations gather together, and the peoples assemble.
Who among them can declare this, and show us the former things?
Let them bring their witnesses to prove them right,
and let them hear and say, It is true.
You are my witnesses, declares the Lord , "and my servant whom I have chosen, that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed, nor shall there be any after me.
I, I am the Lord , and besides me there is no savior.
I declared and saved and proclaimed,
when there was no strange god among you;
and you are my witnesses," declares the Lord , "and I am God.
Also henceforth I am he; there is none who can deliver from my hand;
I work, and who can turn it back?"
Thus says the Lord , your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:
"For your sake I send to Babylon and bring them all down as fugitives, even the Chaldeans, in the ships in which they rejoice. I
am the Lord , your Holy One, the Creator of Israel, your King."
Thus says the Lord , who makes a way in the sea,
a path in the mighty waters,
who brings forth chariot and horse,
army and warrior;
they lie down, they cannot rise,
they are extinguished, quenched like a wick:
"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
The wild beasts will honor me, the jackals and the ostriches,
for I give water in the wilderness, rivers in the desert,
to give drink to my chosen people, the people whom I formed for myself that they might declare my praise.
"Yet you did not call upon me, O Jacob;
but you have been weary of me, O Israel!
You have not brought me your sheep for burnt offerings,
or honored me with your sacrifices.
I have not burdened you with offerings,
or wearied you with frankincense.
You have not bought me sweet cane with money,
or satisfied me with the fat of your sacrifices.
But you have burdened me with your sins;
you have wearied me with your iniquities.
"I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake,
and I will not remember your sins.
Put me in remembrance;
let us argue together;
set forth your case, that you may be proved right.
Your first father sinned,
and your mediators transgressed against me.
Therefore I will profane the princes of the sanctuary,
and deliver Jacob to utter destruction and Israel to reviling.
Isaiah 43

Life

I feel like I can't allow today to slip by without acknowledging it. Today marks the anniversary of what many would call a turning point in our country. And I cannot ignore it.

I have been blessed with a profession that allows me to witness new life every single day. I have held in my hands what few can fathom. I have been entrusted with a person's most prized possession and they look to me to make sure that he or she makes it through the night.

I may not be a mother yet, but I have spent my sleepless nights rocking a fussy baby, changing diapers, and giving the 3 a.m. bottle. 

I have also spent many sleepless nights, praying that a little one will just make it till morning, being afraid to touch them, just in case it hurts them or sends them over the edge. I have fought for their life, and I have failed. 

God has given me such a privilege. I have done none of it in my own strength. Not one of those successful nights would have happened without His grace. None of those failing nights would have meant anything were it not for His mercy.

If I have learned anything over the last two and a half years, it is that each, individual life matters. Each life has been orchestrated by Him. Even when it enters the world too early, mangled, or "incompatible with life." They are His. And they could come at 24 weeks, weigh one pound, skin and bones, with their eyes fused shut, or they could come at 40 weeks, screaming and fat, with grabby hands and soft skin. 

They are all individual. 

They are all gifts. 

O Lord, you have searched me and known me! 
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. 
You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. 
Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. 
You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. 
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. 
Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? 
If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! 
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. 
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. 
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. 
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. 
Psalms 139:1-16

Success

I wouldn't have chosen my life to be this way. I would never have thought, even 5 years ago, that this would be how I would live. "Successful" was never even a word I valued much, since the kind of success people usually mean when they say that word is not how I measured success

A single woman at 25, almost 26, with a full time job as a nurse, owning her own home and financially stable. 

That is what people mean when they say "successful." That's me. Weird.

This is not how I would have planned my life. I would have a husband, a house, children, and maybe even a dog (but probably a cat). I would not work outside my home. I wouldn't sleep during the day and stay up all night. 

But here I am.

Not every day is easy to live this "successful" life. It's a struggle and it's a pain.

But I find comfort. Not in my successes...oh no, comfort can never be found in money, a job, a house, or financial stability. I find comfort in the fact that He, who created me, knows me, loved me all the way to hell and back, and prepares a new home for me, also knows my life. He knew where I would be and all of the "success" that He would grant. And better still, He knows all of my future, as well. I am not left with empty "successes." I am left with a holy God, who orchestrates my life according to His will. 

May His name be praised.

Gift

And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you. 
John 14:16, 17

I was struck by this the other day. How is it that God, Creator of the universe, Forgiver of sins committed against Him every day, the Most High, should be so merciful and gracious to give this gift?

He could have stopped at the gift of breath. I would cease to exist without it.

He could have stopped at the gift of Jesus. His teaching alone would have been used for centuries to live a better life.

He could have stopped at Jesus' death. Surely then, after all debt was paid for me by the One owed, it would have been sufficient. A gift that would turn the world on its ear.

He could have stopped at the resurrection. Now we have received it all, haven't we? Not only is our debt paid, but the One who paid with His life is no weakling. He rises and shows that He is powerful, even beyond death. The chains are truly broken now.

After all these gifts, how could we expect more? But my God is not a God who gives sparingly. He heaps blessing upon blessing, gift upon gift. Not only has He paid my debt, let me live for eternity with Him, laid His own Son down for me when I don't deserve even a thought in His mind, but He lives.

In. Me.

The Holy Spirit comes to dwell in an unworthy, sanctified woman.

How great are the mysteries of God?

But, as it is written, "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him"— these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God. And we impart this in words not taught by human wisdom but taught by the Spirit, interpreting spiritual truths to those who are spiritual.
1 Corinthians 2:9-13

Enough

I debated posting this...it is not the prettiest part of me. But it is truth, and part of living in the grace of God. He reveals that He is enough. 

After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to  the Twelve, Do you want to go away as well? Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? You have  the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that  you are the Holy One of God. 
John 6:66-69

As I cried over deep sorrows, I shouted at God: Why do you forsake me? Why must you constantly ignore my wants and desires? Why does it always have to be harder and worse instead of easier and better? Why is it that just when I feel like I'm finally ok, you allow something to assault me again? Is it not enough? Will it never be enough?

So much anger and so much pain I yelled at Him. I told Him what I thought of His decisions for me. And I fully expected to feel the old, familiar anger and bitterness creep in, nestling itself just where it had been before, as if it had never left. Like an old enemy you love to hate. I was quiet and I waited for it. 

But instead, there was a new feeling. I am still hurting and I still don't understand, but I heard the words...to whom shall I go?

Despite the fact that I often feel that He is not "for" me, when those old familiar lies creep in, there is nowhere else and no one else to go to. He is the bread of life. The bread of my life.  The true bread, as He says.

There are so many things that I want. I want other things to be my bread, to be my drink, to be the breath in my lungs. But at my very core, when everything is stripped away, and He says, "Am I not enough? Will I ever be enough?"

Lord Jesus, to whom shall I go? You are the Holy One of God.

And He is enough.

New Year

I am not, historically, a woman of joy. I am prone to negativity, to seeing the worst in the world, in people, and in myself. And yet, the past year, God has been especially good to me.

He has pulled me through so much of my junk, gently and lovingly. He has provided people to speak truth to me, even when I couldn't hear it. He has brought me back to Himself, over and over again. He has taught me and continues to teach me what a daughter of His looks like and that I am that daughter. More than anything, He has shown me that I am loved.

I want to learn joy. I want to learn gratitude. I want to learn how to lift others up with the pure truth of Him.

I have struggled with this new year...I have felt like things are just the same, and will continue to be the same. I regret to say that I have even felt hopeless about this year.

God, my Father, teach me joy. Teach me gratitude...that I may have joy and gratitude no matter what happens. If I get to the end of 2013 and nothing has changed or if I get to the end of 2013 and everything has changed, teach me to be full of joy in you, despite circumstances.

2013 will be a year of joy. May He make it so.


O God, you are my God;
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
 as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.

So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings
I will sing for joy.

My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

Psalm 63:1-8