Is the Son of God greater than the angels?

Long ago, at many times and in many ways, God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things, through whom also he created the world. He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high, having become as much superior to angels as the name he has inherited is more excellent than theirs.

For to which of the angels did God ever say,

“You are my Son, today I have begotten you”?

Or again,

“I will be to him a father, and he shall be to me a son”?

And again, when he brings the firstborn into the world, he says, 

“Let all God’s angels worship him.”

Of the angels he says,

“he makes his angels winds, and his ministers a flame of fire.”

But of the Son he says,

“Your throne, O God, is forever and ever, the scepter of uprightness is the scepter of your kingdom. You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness; therefore God, your God, has anointed you with the oil of gladness beyond your companions. 

And,

“You, Lord, laid the foundation of the earth in the beginning, and the heavens are the work of your hands; they will perish, but you remain; they will wear out like a garment, like a robe you will roll them up, like a garment they will be changed. But you are the same, and your years will have no end.”

And to which of the angels has he ever said, 

“Sit at my right hand until I make your enemies a footstool for your feet”?

Are they not all ministering spirits set out to serve for the sake of those who are to inherit salvation?

Hebrews 1

Hebrews starts pretty abruptly. There’s no intro to speak of, the writer just launches into the theology of the Son. The writer doesn’t even identify himself or who his audience is, it’s just bam “Long ago!” 

Despite this, there are some things that we can infer about the author and his audience. At the very least, we know that whoever this was written to was familiar with Jewish tradition and teaching, and the author wants to build and expound on their knowledge even further by solidifying the truth of who Jesus is. We also know from Hebrews 10:32-34 that the audience has experienced persecution because of their faith. Knowing this makes the clarity of Jesus in this book sweeter, as the author answers the question “is He worth it?” with a resounding and all-encompassing yes. 

There are many theories on who wrote Hebrews, but the truth of the matter is, we just don’t know. This might drive some people crazy, but, believing that God is faithful to preserve his Word as it should be, we can believe the words of this book, even if we don’t know who wrote it. 

The first 3 sentences of Hebrews 1 are mind-blowing. It's a triad of deep theology, right from the get-go, and could easily take us our whole lives to understand the significance of it.

Long ago, at many times and in many ways, God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things, through whom also he created the world.

This sentence feels like a weird, time travel-y kind of idea, and it’s imperative to our understanding that the Son is simultaneously not a new creature and his revelation is a culmination of everything. He is new and at the same time ancient. Prior to his full revelation, God used prophets to speak to the fathers. We can see this easily by a cursory reading of the Old Testament - it’s all up in there. This is contrasted with the fact that now God speaks to us through his Son. God has changed how he will speak to us from the former ways to a new and better way.

Usually when someone is an heir of something, we think of how they typically come after the person who owned the thing that they will inherit. This concept of Jesus being appointed heir could make us think he is new but he was also actively present at the creation of the world - the world was created through him. This makes the Son much older than his incarnation, much older than just being a new way of communicating. 

It’s fine if your head is exploding. Eternity is a hard thing to grasp.

He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power.

I feel like this sentence is here to make sure that we don’t try to make Jesus just a really nice guy. If you’ve ever heard anybody say something like “Jesus is my homeboy,” you have my full permission to slap them upside the head with this verse. (Just kidding, I don’t condone violence…I guess). But the reality of this verse needs to sink into our brains. If the Son is the exact imprint of God’s nature, the radiance of the glory of God, and upholds the universe BY HIS WORD, then maybe he is God himself. We actually know that he is God because both God and Jesus tell us that he is. (John 10:30; John 1:1; John 14:7; the rest of this chapter)

The third sentence makes it clear why that matters:

After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high, having become as much superior to angels as the name he has inherited is more excellent than theirs.

Who can make purification for our sins, apart from God himself? Who else could have the right and the ability to make us holy in the sight of God? The Old Testament is full of commandments, sacrifices, prophets and kings who served their purpose for a time but could not provide an ultimate and once-for-all salvation. There was no one on this earth, in all of history, capable or worthy enough to fill that need. If you looked at your own individual life, at all the things you’ve done to try to be in right standing with God, you would easily see why all of mankind hadn’t been able to figure something out to make themselves holy enough to stand in the presence of God. Without the Son of God we are left in despair, because no one is righteous enough.

Which is why the fact that the Son sits down at the right hand of the Majesty is extraordinary. Up until Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection, there was no sitting for anyone. There was always work to be done. The futile work of obtaining salvation was never-ending. But Jesus completed the work of salvation, so he can sit. And if he is sitting, then it is finished. We don’t have to keep trying to save ourselves.

While studying, I struggled to really get why we had to compare the Son to the angels. Maybe because it seems to me like an unfair comparison because well, yeah, the Son of God is superior to angels. That just seems like how that would go. 

But this is where historical context is key - Jewish tradition taught that God spoke to Moses on Mt. Sinai through his angels. So, in establishing that Jesus is greater than the angels, we see that the message Jesus brings (salvation through him) is superior to the message brought by the angels. 

The rest of this chapter is an amazing compilation of Old Testament scripture that confirms not only the superiority of Jesus to angels but the deity of Jesus himself. I would encourage you to look these scriptures up as you study. One of my greatest personal joys in studying the Bible is seeing how God wrote his story so cohesively, from beginning to end, and this is one of those windows into the beautiful complexity of his Word. 

We must first understand who Jesus is before what he has done can ever make sense to us. Even then, it still feels like a great mystery. I am grateful for these three sentences that reveal who he is, because they, in part, reveal to me the fullness of his love for us and greatness of his sacrifice. May he root these truths deeper into our hearts.

Re-launch

Hello there! Hi!

It's been over 2 years since this blog has been up and running and it's about time for a re-launch. What better time than January 2nd, amiright?

Moving forward this blog will be a bit different from how it has looked previously (which was mostly whatever I was thinking/processing in the moment). It was good but I have some different ideas to take it in a bit of a different, more structured direction.

Last year, I was given the opportunity to go through a leadership training with my pastor and some phenomenal women of my church. It was incredibly challenging and I wasn't sure I'd make it through everything, but it was such a joy to learn more about God, his Word, and his church. What I found was that in studying the Word in order to teach it to others, my relationship with God deepened in ways I didn't anticipate. My goal is to use this blog as a tool, first and foremost to bring glory to God and, I hope and pray, to edify the church in whatever way God would see fit to do so through me.

So! I will be studying through Hebrews and will be posting what I have learned through God's Word here, starting with Hebrews 1 (studying currently underway). Why Hebrews? My initial response is to say that I don't know, it just came to me, which is mostly true. But also, Hebrews is so clear about who Jesus is, what his role is, and what that means for us. I'm so excited to understand that better and hope that it is helpful to others as I do.

All that to say, welcome, I guess, to the new Bind My Wandering Heart to Thee. I believe that God's Word is his most clear revelation of himself to us, and will do the good work of binding our wandering hearts to him. His Word does not return void and I am confident in that. Thanks for reading this far and happy new year!!!

For just as rain and snow fall from heaven and do not return there without saturating the earth and making it germinate and sprout, and providing seed to sow and food to eat, so my word that comes from my mouth will not return to me empty, but it will accomplish what I please and will prosper in what I send it do.

Isaiah 55:10-11

Soft Heart

I don't think it's a secret that I have a very sensitive heart.

I was always that kid that FELT it. All the things. Crying was a regular occurrence. I'm sure my family really appreciated it. Like I couldn't catch fireflies and leave them in the jar WITH HOLES IN IT because I was mourning their loss of freedom. It was maybe a little ridiculous.

As I grew up, I realized that being that sensitive wasn't socially acceptable plus it hurts a lot more. People think you're ridiculous when you cry over bugs, so you better start sucking it up. I have hated my sensitivity and I have done a lot to hide it over the years, even from myself. I have built a pretty quality armor for this heart of mine, and then a nice wall around that. I am PROTECTED, dangit. No one will see me have feelings! (I like to tell myself that anyway.)

What I didn't realize was that I was doing that with God too. 

If I just put a thick enough armor on this heart of mine, then nothing will hurt. Don't you worry, Jesus, I have no expectations on you because look, I have my armor! I'm good! I will be wary and cautious and if things go sour, that's ok, I was totally ready! (knocks on clanky armor to prove point)

I've put such a thick, hard covering over my heart that I don't let him in. 

He has seen that, of course. He's seen the girl with her rusty pieces of metal, trying to make sure there are no holes so that the pain and hurt can't get in. He's been patient with my ineffective protection of myself. But he wants more.

See, when you have a protection of your own making, you can't run anywhere for comfort when it hurts because that would require you to admit you felt it. That would be saying that you're in pain and you can't fix it yourself. That would be surrender to your own sensitivity and inability to change things all by yourself. It requires admittance of dependence.

Armor doesn't get you anywhere, really. I still feel everything as much as I did except chuck in some bitterness. It's not a fix.

He's known about my sensitive, soft heart underneath the armor. I want to trust him with this bleeding thing and just let him have it. He'll take better care of it than I ever have. And if I'm willing to shed the armor with him, then I can shed it with other people because he will be more than enough to protect me. It's scary, but he made this heart exactly as it is, he knows how to take care of it. 

Pray for armor to drop for me. Pray for armor to drop for you. We all need our hearts to be open to him for healing, for molding, for us to really know his love too. We're not meant to make our own armor.

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.

Ezekiel 36:26

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
    my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

Psalm 13:5

Thoughts on Last Week

Oh man.

Deep breath.

Last week was awful. I don't think there's anybody that would disagree with me there. It. Was. Awful.

Every time I opened Facebook, there was something else. (Don't judge me...we all get our news from Facebook first, amiright?) Black men falling, police officers falling, people arguing, people in pain, people angry and confused. It was really awful, guys.

I just kind of sat and watched because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know how to respond or what was the right response or even if what I felt was ok. I legitimately didn't and don't know what to do at this point.

I feel incredibly inadequate to say anything at all. The only two things that have been on rotation in my head have been "I'm sorry" and, in the words of the president, "we can do better." Except that last one was more of a question than a statement. Can we do better?

There's so much politics (many politics? Much or many?) involved in this, and I'll be the first to tell you that I don't get politics. I don't like them, they're not what I'm about, and quite frankly I do not feel educated enough to comment on most political things.

But what I do know is the human heart. And the other thing I do know is the heart of God.

Can I ask us to do something? Just real quick. Can we stop questioning each other's pain?

Can we look our black family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances in the eye and acknowledge their broken hearts? Can we just say "I'm sorry" and not follow it with a "but?" We need to acknowledge the deep, unfathomable for most of us pain that they are feeling. Not just pain but terror. Our family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances are scared they won't make it home. They're scared their family won't make it home. Is it enough for them to feel pain and fear for us to put our arm around them and say I'm sorry and we can do better? We don't have to qualify it. Actually, please don't qualify it. Can we try that?

Can we look our police family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances in the eye and acknowledge their broken hearts? Can we just say "I'm sorry" and not follow it with a "but?" We need to acknowledge that our family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances are scared that they won't make it home or their family won't make it home. They're hurting too, their hearts are broken too, they're terrified too. Don't qualify your I'm sorries. Please.

It all feels crazy, right?

I have a lot of emotions, thoughts, questions, opinions about this. But the one thing I'm positive of is that God would not have us question the pain. The pain that everyone feels right now is real, it is deep, and it is seen by Him.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Romans 12:14-18

Can we reflect the heart of God as we move forward and get close to our brokenhearted people, all of them, all of us? Cry with all of our people, cry out to God for change, for protection, for His sovereign hand to move our country to look more like Him in all things, and that we would treat each other as He would have us treat each other. Pray that we would reflect His character, that our lives would be evidence of the blood of Jesus.

It is more complicated than this, I know. And yet, it's not more complicated either. Which is complicated.

Come, Lord Jesus.

Faithful

I find myself in a very weird time, with plans derailed and purpose removed. 

I had thought that God was showing his faithfulness when I was offered my long awaited dayshift position. I was praising him for sustaining me through one of the hardest things I had ever done, and even found the close bittersweet. 

I also thought that God was showing his faithfulness through the healing he has done in the last year. Depression and anxiety are not defeated yet, but he has guided me gently through healing I didn't know I needed in ways I didn't see coming. I was praising him for how he had healed my brain and was making me whole again.

Things were really looking up. 

And then, as is so common...the unexpected. Something that started as a mild annoyance has turned into full blown pain and disability. My feet have been almost literally knocked out from under me by a seemingly simple little nerve being compressed...it sounds almost silly. I assure you that it does not feel silly. Suddenly, dayshift has to wait. Work has to wait. Productivity has to wait. Cleaning the house has to wait. Everything has to wait for the healing of something I never saw coming. 

I hate waiting.

And yet, God is faithful. In circumstances that could easily push me to my very lowest, I can honestly say the only reason I'm ok is because he is holding me up. And dare I say, that he has prepared me for this. 

He taught me through 5 and a half years of night shift to lean heavily on him. To seek his face in the darkness. To hold tight when nothing makes sense. 

He has shown me through depression and anxiety that he has made me strong, through his strength. He has taught me a new way, a way of hope and not despair. That there is always his light to see, even when it seems black as night.

I can honestly say that in this weird time of helplessness and pain, I have joy. I have contentment. I have faith that he is orchestrating healing, whatever that looks like. That is not a testament to who I am but testimony of him. He is present. He is faithful. He loves so well.

He has provided for me in ways to numerous to count, mostly seen in the faces of people who are loving me, holding my hand, letting me cry, checking on me. He has provided abundantly in time off to heal, in financial security, in doctors to help. 

I see him all around me. 

Not every day is easy. Not every day looks like peace. But the water that runs through me is deeper than surface turbulence. So I'm better than ok, I'm good! And I am overwhelmingly thankful. He is so good. He is so good.

I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart; I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation; I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness from the great congregation. As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain your mercy from me; your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me!

Psalm 40:10-11

Hope

I have given up. 

And I'm so full of joy about it.

I have thrown away all the weight of expectation that I have carried my whole life. I count it all as lost. 

There's an expectation that is good and holy. The kind where you get chills and feel like you might come out of your skin with anticipation and wonder.

But then there's the kind that hangs around your neck. This is the kind of expectation that will drown you faster than almost anything else could. It is a heavy, dark expectation, and it can take on a lot of different faces.

The face that stares at you in disappointment. The one that says, "You aren't good enough, didn't you expect to be better? Didn't you think you'd have it figured out by now? Kind of looks like you failed." 

The face of disapproval. It glares at you, not satisfied by your performance, your physique, your personality. It finds you wanting. I have found that this face so often looks just like my own, screwed into a frown, castigating myself for my lacking. 

The face of despair. The other two have driven the features into an almost permanent droop. They have beaten you into expecting nothing. Not that you don't have expectations, but that you expect no good thing, want no good thing, hope for no good thing. 

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Psalm 43:5

So, I've given up. I'm tired of these same faces and same voices, this expectation that pulls me under and threatens to drown me with its weight. I'm throwing it off my neck, because bondage is not what I am called to.

Instead, I'm choosing to hope. Not hope that circumstances change or that I become a better person. But I choose to hope in the One who has declared salvation over me. 

He is greater and more mighty than any expectation I could have for myself. I expect much of Him because He has given much. He has consistently delivered more than any of us could ask or imagine. In what greater thing or person can hope be found?

My expectations have brought me nothing but death. But the hope of the Lord is full of life. I lay up these heavy expectations of mine on the altar and instead receive a different sort of weight of expectation. An expectation that anchors me, allows me to be freely bound to the One that will deliver.

And this giving up brings fullness of joy.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Romans 15:13

Jesus

Lately, I find myself compelled to read Hebrews. Usually when I'm "compelled" to read something, I blaze right on through it, speed reading to get the high points, and then "yes, Lord, it's good! What's for lunch?"

I was compelled and I read it. In one sitting, like I usually do. And then right when I got to the end, ready to dust my hands off and move on, I heard, "OK, read it again. Slowly."

It's an awful thing to say, but even when I read it this first time, I thought it was good...and that's all I thought. So this "read it again" business is pushing me out of my comfort zone. Which is exactly why I should do it.

So, I have been reading Hebrews 1. Only. The first. Chapter. This is a painfully slow pace for me, and yet, there is something for me here. 

Or someone.

That first chapter slaps you right in the face with the fullness of Jesus. 

Confession time: I have struggled with loving Jesus. There, I said it. 

For some reason in my mind, Jesus has been the hardest one to love. God, my father, my friend, the one who is sacrificial and full of plans and knowledge, I don't have any trouble with Him. I get Him. The Holy Spirit, mysterious, hard to grasp but I feel His help all the time.

Jesus has kind of always been an afterthought.

Oh, it feels like blasphemy. I promise this will get better.

I don't even know why I have felt that way. I've prayed for God to create a love for Jesus in me. And really, things have changed over the years. I would say I have developed an appreciation for Jesus, but the deep love I'm supposed to have has alluded me. 

Until the other day I read a quote on Facebook. I don't honestly remember what it was, but I do know that it completely left Jesus out of the equation when it spoke of our saving. And a fire in me stirred.

It makes sense that in our culture, Jesus is the hardest. He was brutally honest, completely controversial, brutally murdered, and the things he said are true are hard to take in. He just doesn't fit easily into our understanding of the world today.

Why do you think that the entire first chapter of Hebrews is dedicated to showing us who He is, that we might not be mistaken? It's so easy to write Him off. God forbid we do it, but isn't it easy to not look Him in the face? 

But there, in the first chapter of Hebrews, He is found. In the fullness of glory, grace, holiness, and provision, He sits on the throne. I'm pretty sure someone who "upholds the universe with his power" is not someone to be ignored.

You can't remove Him from the equation. If you do, you're left with questions that have no answer.

Jesus is the unapologetic answer to the the question of what do we do about sin. He is not a weak pawn in God's plan but a powerful, willing sacrifice in our stead.

Oh, how I wish I had had a better understanding of Him.

So, I repent of my ignorance. My willful obliviousness to who He truly is. I embrace Him for the salvation He offers me, I ask Him to show me how He is more than enough. May He create in all of us a deep understanding of who He is and what's He's done, because it's the greatest story ever told.

He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high, having become as much superior to angels as the name he has inherited is more excellent than theirs.

Hebrews 1:3-4 

Night Shift

It's been 5 years.

5 years straight of staying up all night long, 12 hour shifts that stretch from 7:00 PM to 7:00 AM.

5 years.

I am not built for night shift. Ever since I was a little girl, when night time started coming, I started falling apart. My mom called it "the night time sadness." It was not pretty. It generally included a fair amount of anxiety, lots of crying, and probably lots of frustration on my mom's part, although she was sweet to hide it (usually).

Guess what? I grew up, took a night shift position, and believe it or not....it's the same. There's a lot of anxiety, more crying than I would care to admit, and yes, the people who have to deal with me would probably say that they get frustrated, although they are sweet about it.

Those of you who haven't worked night shift might think that a person could adjust to it. I'm here to tell you that, at least for me, it's not true. My body is in full rebellion against this "sleeping during the day" thing, which causes my crazy to escalate. There's no getting used to it for this girl.

Before you get all "poor Emily" on me, let's be real. Everybody has something hard to deal with. Maybe you don't have to stay up all night, but there is something that is really, really difficult for you in your life. Maybe you don't like your job, maybe your kids are driving you crazy, maybe you feel completely and utterly alone. Maybe it's worse than that. But everybody has something.

But here's the other thing....is God not sovereign?

What I mean by that is, did He not know what our circumstances would be? And does He not walk with us, dwell in us, work in us...anyway?

And what if it's not just "anyway" but "because of?"

So often I have despaired over my haywire mind, exhausted body, and broken spirit. I've been angry, frustrated, and, I'm a little ashamed to say, hopeless about it.

1 Peter starts out like this "To those who are elect exiles of the dispersion in Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia, and Bithynia, according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, in the sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and for sprinkling with his blood: May grace and peace be multiplied to you."

I don't know a lot about this, but I do know that being an exile is generally a bad thing. Nobody wants to be exiled (unless you maybe have a toddler that won't let you go to the bathroom by yourself. Then exile sounds pretty great). But God foreknew what their situation would be. And they aren't called to "just push through" "try to survive," or "hang in there."

They're called to grace and peace that multiplies...despite their circumstances. And maybe because of.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 

1 Peter 1:3-7

Night shift has been so hard for me. So, so hard. But there is a sanctification that God is doing in and through it that I wouldn't trade. He has caused my eyes to be opened to my inability. I think I can just power through things, but I just can't power through night shift. He is the only one who can sustain me, because my brain doesn't even function right. But his does. 

He has created a new, stronger, more child-like faith, because He has allowed me to be brought down to my knees. My faith is being made more precious than gold, by no merit of my own, and despite a lot of resistance on my part.

So, no, I don't want to stay on night shift one more minute than I have to. I'm praying for day shift. But would I trade what he has given me over the course of 5 years of night shift? I can't say that I would. He has placed me here, on purpose. He knew exactly what night shift would do, and he allowed it, because he is good, his ways are good, his plan for me is good. And the best for me, right now, in this moment, is the hard of night shift. And it's good. 

Repentance

I find myself on my knees in repentance today.

I have been wallowing in my feelings of entitlement. The reality of my life and the expectation of my life are colliding, and it's not pretty. It's especially not pretty when I throw a fit about it.

I'm not going to say that I have suffered much. In comparison, my suffering is so small. But it is my own and sometimes I don't handle it that well. 

But I have realized that what I have really been doing is placing myself and my desires above God and what He has planned for me. I think I should get what I want because, hey, I'm important! 

I am a fool.

The problem is that I understand that I was saved, but I don't understand who I am saved to.

Because at the moment that I was saved, I was not just saved to myself, to whatever it is that I want to get out of life. No, I was saved to a holy God. And because I was saved to a holy, completely righteous God, then I am saved to a greater purpose than anything I can imagine. Even if it is vastly different than what I wanted. Or expected. 

His purpose in our salvation is the right and glorious lifting of His name to its place.

And when He saved me, He created in me a new purpose. But sometimes standing in the midst of a holy purpose is so uncomfortable. I want to have the glory of heaven but on earth. I also want it to feel good. I want what He wants for me and what I want for me to be the same. And all that shows is that while I am saved, I am still being transformed.

So does that mean that now I get it? Now I fully understand and I can walk joyfully through whatever suffering He calls me to? I wish. I wish it was that simple for me. Odds are that it's not. 

But what I can do now is be aware of the selfish heart I carry within myself. And maybe I'll find myself on my knees more and on a pedestal less. 

The reality is that He is a holy, good God. And His purpose for me is my good because of His deep and unfailing love for me. May I learn to believe that.

Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel... 

1 Timothy 1:8-10

Good Friday

I had these big plans of what my Good Friday would look like.

I knew I had to work, so extra effort would have to be made. I'd get up early, read my Bible, pray, and listen to worship music on the way to work. I'd arrive, happy and grateful for the great sacrifice Jesus made for me. My attitude would be great as I had taken time to contemplate all he had done for me.

Reality: I drove to work with head back on the headrest, eyes half-open, listening to Cake. Now, I'm sitting in the parking lot with my bad attitude and Benadryl hangover, waiting till the last possible minute to walk in. 

Oh yeah, I read my bible before I came. I had to remind myself 27 times to focus. Hey, dumbie, this is important! Stop thinking about what you're going to eat or how many nights you have left at work. Yeah, it didn't go that well.

I totally failed at that contemplative, repentant thing we're supposed to do on Good Friday.

But isn't that when the cross means more?

When I'm down in the muck that is real life, and all I can do is half-heartedly look at the cross for a minute, is that not when the beauty of it is most evident?

I wouldn't need the cross if I could righteously pull myself up by my boot straps. 

I need the cross because I'm not getting it right. I need the blood of Jesus to cover me because otherwise I'm covered in filth. Because I can't muster up the strength to get it right. 

So, maybe my Good Friday service is a lot different than the ones you'll be going to. But his blood is beautiful, needed, and undeserved for me, as much as it is for you.

My Good Friday service is ugly, because my sin is ugly. And I'm full of it. But I also have a perfect sacrifice poured out over me that brings me to the presence of God. If that's not a mystery worth bowing in awe of, there isn't one.

But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

Isaiah 53:5-6

Good Shepherd

Our world is busy. People are always rushing to the next thing, filling up every second of their time with some sort of task...work, exercise, meetings, parties, obligations, sports...the list goes on forever. I know this isn't a new concept. People have been talking about how busy we are for years, and I doubt that I will have anything new to say about it.

Except that I hadn't realized I bought into it. Last year, I bounced from thing to thing, running around trying to get everyone's needs and expectations met. Yeah, I was exhausted, but isn't that what a good, American, Christian 20-something is supposed to be? Exhausted is good, right? It means you're really accomplishing something!

It wasn't until everything started shutting down that I realized what I was doing. My body was done...months of lack of sleep with no end in sight takes its toll eventually. My brain was shutting down...everything I thought was doom and gloom, there was no hope for me under the sun. I was emotionally all over the place and my anxiety was out of control. God allowed me to get to the very edge of myself and even let me hang a foot off the side of the cliff. I'm not mad at him for that. I would have gone barreling over if he hadn't let me see the danger I was in.

I was exhausted. In every sense of the word.

So, I quit. I was gently shown by God that I had reached the end of what I could do in my own strength. I was allowed to see how broken I had become by never stopping to assess how the constant motion was causing stress fractures in my heart and soul. Never mind the brokenness that had been there before I had even started. 

I've been healing. Slowly. More slowly than I would like, which is a lesson in and of itself.

The past week I have slipped a little into my old ways though. Running from one thing to the next, every day is full of things to do and accomplish. But this time, I felt like something was just not right.

It wasn't until today that I realized what the issue is. I've been pouring myself out again. Don't get me wrong, there are times for pouring out. I am not currently in one of those times. I healed just enough to feel like I could get back to my busy-ness, and be fine. But the thing that I forgot about being busy is that there is rarely time to be face to face with God. 

I can pour out of myself and end up right back where I was, because I refuse to value the time with him enough to make it a priority.

He is a good shepherd. There was a time to let me wander off and see exactly what my life could look like without him guiding me. But this time, he only let me wander just enough to remember how far away I got last time, and how scary that was. And he has lovingly guided me back to his side, where I'm safe and cared for perfectly. 

He is full of everything we need...he is full of more than we need. We don't need to seek anything else  by filling our lives with busyness. He is calling us to find in him our satisfaction and our fullness. And he is good to give beyond that.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies

you anoint my head with oil

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23

Quiet Healing

I've gone quiet, I know. 

For some it may be disconcerting to not hear from me. It might cause concern and wonder. It's ok.

This thing that is happening, these changes...they're subtle. Quiet. There aren't revelations with much fanfare. It seems like a time for silence. Like when you are working hard at something you're not necessarily good at, but you can get it, if you just focus. 

We fall silent when we're working hardest. 

And I'm working very hard. 

There is a pattern of thinking that I have fallen into my whole life. It's a product of the fall...as all things like this are.

I've always been a negative, critical person. Ok, maybe not always but my whole adult life for sure. There is something about life going in the complete opposite direction of your expectations that can cause this. It's kind of like a sickness you can't shake.

It's no good being negative and critical of the people around you. I learned this a while ago and managed to stifle it, keeping those thoughts to myself, for the most part. 

But I didn't think anything about the constant stream of negative thoughts against myself. I thought it was normal to find yourself lacking, to generally not like yourself. These negative, demeaning thoughts have been running in the background of my mind for years. Sometimes louder, sometimes quiet, but always there. Always telling me that I would never, ever be good enough. 

Some of you may know what that's like. Some of you may be appalled.

It's a sinister self-harm...this emotional abuse that you think is normal. The perpetrator and the victim are one and the same, so who is to blame? 

I would still be right there, in my awful circle of hate I created for myself, if it weren't for the work of the Lord through some people who love me deeply and could see what I was doing. And they told me to stop. 

It's almost like I didn't know it was happening until somebody said "hey, don't you see that you're sawing your own arm off? Doesn't that hurt?"

Love your neighbor as yourself, he says. So often we focus on what it means to love our neighbor, taking for granted that we already know how to love ourselves. But some of us don't know how to love ourselves at all. How can I possibly love my neighbor well if I'm abusive to myself?

So, I'm learning. I don't always get it right. But my learning looks like investing in myself. I'm running. (I know, me, running?!) I'm running for me. Because I should take care of myself by pushing myself. I'm sleeping...and what I mean is I'm intentionally making sure that I sleep. Because it's not right for me to run on fumes. My bedtime is guarded now, because I'm important enough for it to be. I'm not pressuring myself to be who I think others think I should be. That sentence is ridiculous, but it's been my reality for a long time. And I'm not doing it anymore. 

There are other things that I'm learning to do. And God is giving me this beautiful quiet space to learn it. It is full of his mercy and grace, this place in time he created for me.

I'm the best I've been in a long time. And that is saying a lot. 

He is so faithful to me. His love for me has never wavered, even when I am full of self-loathing. He looks at me and calls me beautiful, when I feel least worthy of the word. 

If you are caught in a cycle of self-abuse, whatever that looks like...please stop. I know it's hard. But doesn't it hurt? 

He is ready to bind up your wounds and to teach you a new way. It won't be perfect at first, but he is patient. He has your whole life to teach you. It's worth it.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.

Psalm 139:13-18

Scale

I am a frequent scale user.

I'm not really talking about the scale to check my weight, although yeah, I use that more than maybe I should.

And I'm not talking about the scales at work, where we gently lift and set down babies. And then do it again when we don't like the number.

No, the scale I use is abstract, but much more dangerous.

I like to call it realism. It sounds better. It doesn't bite so hard, when you call it realism. People can get behind realistic...people don't like words like negative or critical. So, yeah....realistic.

The truth is that this realism comes directly from the fear that resides deep within me. 

I constantly measure and weigh everything in my life. Holding it up to examine it...is it good? Where are the cracks? How can this improve? How will this fail?

Whether it's my own soul, or a friendship, or an actual gift, I am constantly in doubt of it's goodness. Because what if it breaks?

So I get my scale out...on one side I place the good gift I'm given, and on the other side I place what I think it should be, or what I see that others have on facebook, or just something I saw on TV once.

And then I see the scales tip. In a very realistic direction. And I'm disappointed with the gift. Or I see how it can fail and I get so afraid because now it's just a waiting game till it breaks.

I cannot accept good gifts for what they are because I'm so fearful they'll break that I won't pick it up and embrace it.

This verse was made for people like me:

Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! Matthew 7:9-11

He had to put that in there because of people like me. Because I doubt that God is good, or that he would be good to me, or that the gift is as good as he says it is.

And all that is is a lack of understanding exactly what a good gift the cross is. Because if I understood that, then I would open my arms to whatever he's giving me and call it good and right. I would hand my scales in and let him break them with his unmeasurable goodness.

Despite the fact that I have not understood how to not find his gifts lacking, he continued to pour them out on me. If that's not a good and perfect God, what is? 

He's teaching me. Patiently and slowly, he's teaching me that I can accept his gifts and that he is overwhelmingly good. I don't have to live in this fear.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 

Ephesians 2:4-9

Freedom

I have lived life cautiously.

I don't know what it is that has caused me to be that way. I have always lived timidly, afraid of failure, disappointment, and disapproval. Always worried about what is "the right thing."

I have lived in constant fear.

And while I have lived so cautiously, never rocking the boat or causing trouble, I have still felt an incredible sense of shame. Shame for who I am, for what I have done, for what I'm not, for what I can never, ever be.

The enemy is so good at paralysis.

I have been paralyzed by my fear of failure. I can't move or breathe because what if someone disapproves of it? I can't relax ever because aren't I standing on the brink of utter failure at every moment? Shouldn't I always have my guard up, just in case someone sees who I really am and doesn't like it?

It's actually really silly when I think about it. It's even sillier when I stop the crazy self-talk and think about how very few people have been disappointed in me. Or at least have told me that they were.

My whole life I have heard about the freedom that exists in Jesus. And even thought that I understand what that is and that I am partaking wholeheartedly in it.

But does freedom look like paralysis?

Just this morning, God so gently has shown me how my thoughts are so enslaving. The thought that I have to be or do or look like in order to be perfect and not fail. He has taken off my shackles and I, without knowing, have been sitting there, right next to where they are, fashioning new shackles.

"Yeah, yeah, God, thanks for taking those off...I got this the rest of the way. Don't worry about it. I can do this."

It is only when I have come to the complete end of my ability and still feel lacking that I can see that he has done all of the things I have so desperately been trying to do for myself. He has been, he has done, he is perfect. It is finished (when will I ever truly believe that it is finished?).

He has covered me over in the perfection of his blood. There's nothing left for me to do to save myself.

So, there is freedom in Jesus - a sweeter freedom to let go of all those things I have striven for, realizing that they're already accomplished. His approval of me is so much more than anything I can receive from people. And he showed his approval in the most holy of ways.

His grace is enough. Even for me.

Pray that I can relax in this grace. Pray that I can bask in this holy freedom that is mine in him. Pray it for yourself, if you have fought for so long and still find yourself lacking. It's real and it's done.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

Romans 8:1-4

Health and Hope

I've not known what to write or how, but I've known something needs to be said. Forgive me if it is not said eloquently.

I have run myself into the ground. So far into the ground that you might not be able to see me for all the dirt around me.

I have busied myself to the point of being unable to even know who I am or what I think. It wasn't intentional. I even thought I was doing the "right thing." Outwardly appearing to have everything together while the inside has been crumbling.

It's the beginning of a new year. Every other blogger in the world is busy naming their new year, reflecting on the past year, resolving to do/be/become better. It's natural and good to have a new, fresh beginning every year.

I don't typically buy into that whole "new year" thing. Resolutions are set ups for disappointment and failure, which I already have plenty of, thank you very much. But God has led me to a new place, quietly. A place of newness, casting off the old, broken self and stepping forward into health. He has chosen this precise time for reasons I don't know. And it coincides with this new year.

I have always thought of myself as a big plate person. There are people who can handle and accomplish much - big plate people. There are people who are barely capable of handling themselves - small plate people. I even took pride in my big plate-ness. I was so capable, so reliable, so very trustworthy to get the job done. I don't know if my plate has shrunk or if I was operating under the big plate mentality while all along possessing a very small plate capability.

It wasn't until depression and anxiety set in with full force that I realized something had to give. I began to feel my sickness because it was forcing me to feel it. It is clear that I do not know how to be healthy. I have worked and worked and worked, never allowing myself Sabbath, never caring for myself because caring for myself seemed selfish. I didn't realize that I can only serve others well when I am healthy myself.

God is calling me into further dependence on him. I never thought it would look like this: stepping down from kids ministry, a bedtime, boundaries - in short, less activity. I guess I thought I would just continue striving forward, trying harder, and it would just get easier. Wrong.

Everything looks and feels like failure. And yet he is supplying hope, gratitude, and maybe even joy in this time of incapability. The more I realize how little I can accomplish, the more I see how he is opening up avenues for health and growth and intimacy with him. He is removing things that I might see his face more clearly.

I have even breathed out thanks for all of my struggles because they are leading me here.

I'm not naming this year. This year holds what it holds, and only he will show me in time what this year is about. This year might look to others like a year of utter failure or unproductive. I'm ok with that.

I'm more hopeful than I have been in a long time. My God is good to allow me to struggle, to feel the weight of my sickness. He is also good to redeem me from it. He is full of mercy and pours out grace upon grace upon grace. He takes the broken girl and declares me healed. Even as I am presently healing.

May I urge you to call on him? I know that's not how I usually end these things...but my heart wants his redemption and comfort for you as much as it longs for my own. I promise that he will be good to answer you. If you are struggling, depressed, anxious, hurting...he is there. Take it from the girl who thought she could bootstrap her way through - you can't. But he can and has made you free from those things, just as he is doing and has done with me.

Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;

I will protect him, because he knows my name.

When he calls to me, I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble;

I will rescue him and honor him.

With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.

Psalm 91:14-16

The righteous flourish like the palm tree

and grow like a cedar in Lebanon.

They are planted in the house of the Lord;

they flourish in the courts of our God.

They still bear fruit in old age;

they are ever full of sap and green,

to declare that the Lord is upright;

he is my rock

and there is no unrighteousness in him.

Psalm 92:12-15

4:12

It's such a small thing. Almost silly, really.

For the last couple of years, I always see 4:12 on the clock. By always, I mean that I see it literally every day. And because of my work schedule, sometimes twice a day. It follows me.

4:12 happens to be my birthday (April 12th). The first few times it happened, I thought it was cool, but didn't think much of it. Until it kept happening. Over and over, day after day, without ceasing. 

I am not one to see God in the small things. I am constantly looking for big displays of Him, and even when I see those, I'm a little iffy on whether they're real or not. A critic and a skeptic, that's me!

But you can only see your birthday pop up every day for months on end, before you start to wonder if there's something holy behind it all. Maybe He has something for me here.

It's such a small thing, but now I not only love to see 4:12 roll around, I anticipate it. Sometimes if I see that it's almost 4:12, I will be disappointed because, surely, I'll miss it this time. I looked too soon, I'm too busy to look again. And so many times, I'm surprised by finding my eyes turned at just the right moment.

4:12 has become my daily (and sometimes twice a day) reminder that God loves me, and that He is mindful of me. I can't explain why this happens any other way than to just say that He wants it to.

He says to me "I love you" over and over, day after day, without ceasing. He surprises me daily...daily. 

He didn't have to give me a gift of a daily reminder. He has already done it, by sending His Son, by sending His Spirit, and His word - they are more than enough. And yet, He knows the insecure little girl that I am and embraces it. He delights in showing me, again and again, how much He loves me. He doesn't tire of it, He doesn't weary of me.

It's a small gift maybe, but He makes His presence known in the small things.

Every good and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is variation or shadow due to change.

James 1:17

Advent

I don't know what it is about this year.

I've never been one to love Christmas. The season is nice, I like getting together with family, the lights, the general merriment. But I almost always leave the season with disappointment. I'm too much of an idealist, I think, and Christmas just doesn't live up to the hype.

But something about this year is different. I find myself with anticipation. Not giddy, breaking out all the Christmas decorations and singing Jingle Bells at the top of my lungs. It is quiet anticipation.

Hushed.

I find myself anticipating Him.

The idea of a time of advent has never made much sense to me. He came, He did it, I don't get why we look forward to the estimated day of His birth. It just didn't add up for me. Christmas is just an over-commercialized, over-celebrated day, right? Shouldn't I be more focused on believing it year round, day in and day out?

Maybe.

But I can't get this scripture out of my head:

But you, O Bethlehem Ephrathah,

who are too little be among the clans of Judah,

from you shall come forth for me

One who is to be ruler in Israel,

whose coming forth is from of old,

from ancient days.

Therefore he shall give them up until the time

when she who is in labor has given birth;

then the rest of his brothers shall return to the people of Israel. 

And he shall stand and shepherd his flock

in the strength of the Lord,

in the majesty of the name of the Lord his God.

And they shall dwell secure, for now he shall be great

to the ends of the earth.

And he shall be their peace.

Micah 5:2-5

It resonates deep in my soul. It is an ancient promise, and it was a late promise to those who heard it. 

All of creation had been holding it's breath for that moment. 

Even when this promise was made, years before the fulfillment, they were waiting. I can almost see them with the anticipation in their eyes, hoping against hope that salvation was coming. Despairing because it seemed like it wasn't going to happen.

Maybe I identify with that. With that mixture of despair and hope.

That promise is as much for me as it was for them. But I get to see it. I see it with my eyes, I feel it with my heart, my soul is defined by it. 

I dwell secure and He is my peace.

I am anticipating Him, and I have already received Him. 

Now....and not yet.

I don't know why this year is different. But I feel a deep joy, one that doesn't make sense, bubbling up at the thought of Him, His sacrifice to take on flesh in the most helpless form. To save my helpless form. 

O come Thou Dayspring, come and cheer

Our spirits by thine advent here;

Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,

And deaths dark shadows put to flight.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel!

Shall come to thee, Oh Israel!

Mine

Today is a broken day.

There are always days like this that roll around, some worse than others. But nonetheless, it is a broken day.

It's the kind of day where all the lies that are constantly whispered in my ear get turned up a notch. Or twenty. Instead of the sinister, underlying current of lies, there's a roar in my ears, telling me how inadequate, how overly needy, how not enough I am. I hate that.

I know they're lies, I really do. But they feel true. And maybe some of them have some truth to them. Those are the hard ones to ignore. 

I just keep trying to shove them away, or justify them to appease these roaring thoughts. 

But only truth, real truth, can silence them.

As I sat, trying to distract myself away, a whisper penetrates the din of voices..."Mine," He says.

"Mine," He says to the voices, the liar who is filling my brain, trying to claim me as his.

"Mine," He says to me as I try to not listen while simultaneously falling apart because it's all I can hear.

"Mine," He declares over me, not because I am His in this moment, but because I always have been and always will be. And no amount of lies makes that not true.

David calls out to God for help because of his enemies many times. I've never related to it, honestly. Until this.

Be not silent, O God of my praise! For wicked and deceitful mouths are opened against me, speaking against me with lying tongues. They encircle me with words of hate, and attack me without cause.

Psalm 109:1-3

There is always a great battle for my mind, my heart. It is waged anywhere and everywhere. Nothing is off limits to this enemy of mine. He is not compassionate, but goes right for the throat.

But I am not without a protector. The war is won, even if the battle rages. 

Blood has covered me, hidden me, made me whole, made these lies that could be true...untrue.

And He declared me "His." 

It is a mystery I will never understand, but I'll try. It is too glorious for comprehension, but it is my reality. 

Oh, Praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!