This year

This year has been awful. 

I am not talking about just my life this past year. Many people that I know and love have suffered much this year. Our church has suffered much this year. 

It has not been easy.

There has been hope deferred, hope dashed, false hope, betrayal, loss of relationships, loss of stability, loss of identity in who we are, and loss of vision for the future (for any future, in some cases).

We have cried, we have pleaded for mercy and yet the waves of turmoil have crashed over us. Again. And again. Until we thought there was nothing left but to let the waves engulf us.

We have been angry. Angry that this could happen, angry that people could do that to us, angry that God is silent. Why has He been silent?

We have mourned. Fully, on our knees before the Lord with nothing but groans for Jesus to interpret for us. 

It is a bleak picture I have painted.

Many people would ask, "WHERE. IS. GOD?!"

And maybe we have. 

But the beauty of this year, that has been enfolded in pain and suffering and tears, is that He has been here.

He has walked in our turmoil, He has held us when we cry at night over the pain, He has comforted and consoled. He has grown us and matured us because He loves us so fully, He could not leave us where we were. 

He has been steadfast.

How can we look over a year like this and be full of joy, gratitude, and worship?

Because we have seen His hand in all things. 

We see His hand before us.

We see His hand over us, singing His name and peace and holiness over our damaged and hurting souls.

This year has been awful. This year has been beautiful.

And so, we walk forward into a new year. And maybe the new year will be full of more suffering. Maybe it will be full of rejoicing. Either way, He is good. He is steadfast.

He is holy.

The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them. The Lord preserves all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy. My mouth will speak the praise of the Lord, and let all flesh bless his holy name forever and ever. 

Psalm 145:17-21

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream. Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad. Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negeb! Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him. 

Psalm 126:1-6

Rant

I almost think I should change the title of this blog to "Crazy Girl Rants and Becomes Rational Briefly and Wallows." But then I guess I could just call it by my name and people would get the gist. 

What? Am? I? Doing?

This is not the kind of question that warrants pity and response. I'm asking myself. What. Are you. Doing?

I want to scream at myself for being such a doofus. I'm almost always a doofus.

Why does it take a sermon that holds my hand the whole way and tells me how important and special and miraculous and holy Jesus is for me to even think about it? Shouldn't I know this already?

Why, on that same day, do I forget that it's all about JESUS and wallow, wallow, wallow?! I am an ungrateful wretch.

It is true, what He says. The enemy will prowl, seeking someone to devour. Is he trying to devour me? Dumb question, I guess. 

If the enemy can blind me with all the things that are "wrong" in my life, then he successfully paralyzes me. All I can see is whatever it is that he's putting in front of me. Distraction from who's really important. And if that's all I can think about, he wins. Idol placed, worshipper prostrate, and he can sit back and relax.

But if I fight, actively, ferociously, against him and how he creeps in and shows me things I want to see and the things that are wrong, and if I keep my freaking eyes on HIM, my whoring, idolatrous eyes on the Lord Jesus, who is holy, and mighty, and righteous and true, then I can see what's important. And I can let go of all that other junk that is eroding my very soul. 

Ah! My soul cries against the shackles I have allowed to be placed on myself. I am free! He has said it! And again and again, I allow myself to be imprisoned.

The fight is never over. This struggle to follow Him, really, truly, with joy and worship, singing and hope, will never end. Not until the day when all things end and all things begin. 

Pray for me. I'm fighting, but poorly. I hold the heavy sword one handed, and my armor is only halfway on. 

But do not mistake. He is triumphant.

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream. Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad. Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negeb! Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him. 

Psalm 126:1-6

Fighting

Today, I'm fighting back. 

I've been trying to fight back now, but today, I'm aware and have my fists up.

Holidays are awesome. They're a time to spend with family, friends, old and new, and a time for reflection over the past year and all other years. They really are great.

Unfortunately, I think many of us end up reflecting not only on the grace of the past, but also on our failures and disappointments. It's natural. And not necessarily bad. I've learned a lot from my failures.

It's the disappointments that will get you.

I talk a lot about this, probably because it feels so fresh and real. It's where I am, and that's ok.

It's hard for me to not look back and ask why is this where I am? Why is this my life? What did I do wrong?

Let's be blunt: why am I still single?

I've done pretty well this holiday season (ok, we're only a couple days in. This is good for me.) But today is just a little harder. But, by God's grace, He's showing me my idol faster.

So, today I fight back. The lies have never had power over me, not really. Only power I've given them. Today, I am actively choosing not to believe them. It's noon, and the day is long. But I'll keep fighting. Because it's worth it. I'll fix my eyes on Him today. And the next day, and the next day, and the next....

Even if I get what I want, there will always be something else yelling "Look over here! Aren't I awesome?!" And maybe it will be. But it's not Him, so it's not worth focusing on.

Ramblings from a fighting, thankful soul.

So, happy Thanksgiving. I'll be here, fighting against lies, fighting for joy. He is faithful.

But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. I charge you in the presence of God, who gives life to all things, and of Christ Jesus, who in his testimony before Pontius Pilate made the good confession, to keep the commandment unstained and free from reproach until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, which he will display at the proper time—he who is the blessed and only Sovereign, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone has immortality, who dwells in unapproachable light, whom no one has ever seen or can see. To him be honor and eternal dominion. Amen. 

1 Timothy 6:11-16

Willing

Well, I looked it in the face. I've been avoiding that, afraid that I might see my own face reflected back at me. I looked at the what-if, and I survived it. 

I think everybody has the what-if. That thing that if it happens, you're not sure you can keep going. You're not sure that you can continue to stand, if it happens. The dreaded what-if.

My what-if is a life of loneliness stretched before me. My what-if is "What if I never get married, or have children? What if this is it? What if this is my life?" What if?

It's a hard what-if to look at. I had only managed side glances, and that had been more than enough for me, to send me spiraling into the depths of the what-if. But it was time. Because what if the what-if....is real?

So, I looked at it. And I cried. A lot. So much crying, it's embarassing. And I felt hopeless. And I didn't want to accept it. And I was mad and frustrated and confused and MAD!

And then, in the midst of my agony, a conversation completely not about the what-if strikes me.

I don't necessarily need to want to. But am I willing?

What? 

My brain wants to tell me those are the same thing. That wanting to be single and being willing to be single are just another way to say each other. But it's not.

Am. I. Willing?

So, I looked at the what-if again. And what I hadn't been able to see clearly before was made clear now. He stands just behind the what-if. He looks at me and asks "Are you willing?" 

And if being willing means walking toward him, even if the what-if is in my path, then I will. I am willing. Because if he's there in the what-if, then it can't be that bad. It would be better than walking a different direction, without him. 

And what-ifs aren't concrete until they are. But if I can let go of all my pain surrounding the what-if and look at the man behind all what-ifs and in all what-ifs, then no what-if will consume me. 

And I'm willing.

For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name’s sake you lead me and guide me; you take me out of the net they have hidden for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God. 

Psalm 31:3-5

Pride

I am so full of pride.

Everything about me just screams pride, and yet I haven't even noticed it until today. Not really. 

I knew that my criticism of others definitely came from pride. But I didn't know that it ran so deep.

My pride says that I deserve. Despite everything I say about grace and God in his mercifulness, deep down...I think I deserve it. Somehow I, a no one, deserves God to give the ultimate sacrifice. I'm a fool full of pride. 

I feel entitled to things. I feel like I am owed. I am owed a husband. I am owed children. I am owed to live comfortably. I am owed respect. And if I don't get those things, then I deserve to be able to be mad. To scream and cry and be upset. And I am justified in it. 

What a wretched fool I am.

These lies seep in so deep, I don't even feel them. They have grown into my flesh, become one with my soul. And, to top off my treachery, I can say all the right things to make you think I am a humble person, a trusting person, one who wants God's glory above all else.

Pathetic. 

But!

He already knew that about me. He knew I would be this way, and he withheld not his grace from me. Undeserved grace. 

I deserve death for even these seemingly harmless thoughts. I am entitled to hell. 

But he does not give me what I deserve. And that is grace poured out again. And again. And again. 

Holy Spirit, remove my pride. May I serve you humbly, grateful for what I am given. It is all more than I deserve. 

“Is it by your understanding that the hawk soars and spreads his wings toward the south? Is it at your command that the eagle mounts up and makes his nest on high? On the rock he dwells and makes his home, on the rocky crag and stronghold. From there he spies out the prey; his eyes behold it from far away. His young ones suck up blood, and where the slain are, there is he. And the Lord said to Job: “Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty? He who argues with God, let him answer it.” 

Job 39:26-40:2

Grace

I have not been the best lately. I have forgotten, I have been angry, I have been bitter.

But today I wake up, completely gripped by it. By Him.

Grace.

I could write it a thousand times and it would not express how in awe of it I am. 

I was never let go by Him. By that grace that is extended, poured out, annointing me. I was just too dumb to see it.

Grace.

Even when I am a coward, even when I am a failure, even when I turn away. Every. Time. Every time.

What a reminder of how He takes over. He takes control and grips tightly in a hold that is gentle and strong and will never, ever, EVER, let go. 

I can walk confidently in that. Even when I feel like I'm spinning out of control, I'm just spinning in His hands, spinning of my own volition. 

Be still.

Grace.

Fickle

My fickleness is out of control.

I blame nights.

I'm currently on an emotional swing. One second I'm ok (high is a little much to say at this point) and the next I'm low. By low, I mean crying before my shift because of general exhaustion and discouragement.

To those that have to deal with me at the lows, I'm sorry.

To those (mostly same people) who deal with me when I'm ok...it's only a matter of time.

But! Despite all my crazy and instability and random ranting (again, I'm sorry) and general pessimism, one thing I know.

This isn't forever. And it's not even what defines me, right now, in this moment of life that's weird. 

What defines me is that I'm His, chosen, loved. He makes me ok, even when I don't feel like it.

So, for those who are having to deal with the crazy, remind me that I actually believe this.

For those who are seeing the negative and angry come out, I really do believe this. 

For me, when I read this later: it's true. It's true. It's true!

Again

Well, it happened again. I forgot. I lost perspective. I idolized what I think should be, and forgot to worship. I forgot to engage Him. Well, actually that's a lie. I remembered, but I didn't want to. How prideful am I? That I should think that I can choose to remove myself from that relationship, and that everything would be ok eventually? That I could punish Him somehow because I was hurt by Him not doing what I wanted? I'm a fool.

But that's the beauty. Not that He continues to pour out His blood over and over, every time I beg for forgiveness, but that He poured it out once. One time. 

He came and offered Himself, and was under no delusions that I would get it right everytime. He actually expected the opposite. And boy, do I deliver. 

His love doesn't change though. Even when I cry and tell Him I'm just not going to talk to Him right now. That's He's hurt me too deeply this time (oh, the lies that I believe!), He remains. And He is the perfect parent in that He doesn't engage that behavior. But He stands right with me as I struggle against Him, and waits. 

I am a wretch. But a clean one. A saved one. An undeserving one. And I am His beloved. 

For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by whom to swear, he swore by himself, saying, “Surely I will bless you and multiply you.” And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise. For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek. 

Hebrews 6:13-20

"His dying breath has brought me life,

I know that it is finished!"

Tired, but here

Haven't blogged for a while...life is overwhelming. 

But what remains true is I need Him. The less time I have had for Him, the more my soul disappears in the shadows. He is my sustenance, what moves me forward, what holds me up. All other things are not important.

One morning spent quietly, allowing Him to be with me (instead of running from here to there) and it's clear. He is clear. All else fades away.

At the end of the day or end of days, if I lose Him I have lost everything. And if I gain Him and lose everything, I gain all I could ever need and more.

Loose thoughts from a tired brain. But He is good. And He is mine. And I am ok, for those wondering.

 "I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God; incline your ear to me; hear my words. Wondrously show your steadfast love, O Savior of those who seek refuge from their adversaries at your right hand. Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings..."

Psalm 17:6-8

Celebrating

I am not a good celebrator.

Is that a word, or a thing? If it is, I am not one. I always lean toward the serious...I am the one that is thinking while others are partying. That's not all bad. Except I'm realizing it is in some situations.

I have most recently had a hard time celebrating with others in their joys. Dating, engagement, weddings, new babies...those are the hardest. I allow the tiniest bit of bitterness to ruin the whole thing.

It's no secret that I want all of those things. And, I won't lie, I get jealous when others can have them and I can't. So, it becomes really hard to actually be happy for them, because I am so wrapped up in the sad story that is me, that I forget to be happy with my friends!

I was driving to a baby shower the other day and all of a sudden it hit me. Maybe I'm the person that people don't want to come to parties because I make it about me and how I don't have that thing we are celebrating. What a tragedy. Do others hesitate to tell me their good news because they are afraid it will hurt me? Is that really how I want to live my life?

I decided in that moment (or rather, the Holy Spirit showed me), that I wanted to celebrate well. I want to be a person that others can't wait to tell their good news to because I will be genuinely happy for them. Because it isn't about me. It is not a reflection on me. And it is a lack of trust and contentment in where God has placed me, to resent others for their blessings.

You know, that was one of the easiest baby showers to go to. I felt no obligation to justify myself or make a backhanded remark about how I wished it was me. I just genuinely celebrated my friend's new baby. And it was fun!

I went to a wedding that had potential (as all weddings do) to bring up sadness and jealousy. But you know what? I am truly so happy for them. And I'm so happy I got to be a part of witnessing and celebrating their joy. Was it work to keep that up? Yes. But it was totally worth it.

For anyone who has felt this from me when you have had something to celebrate, I truly apologize. I am so happy for you.

May God continue to sanctify me and teach me how to have joy...even if it's not my own.

May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. 

Colossians 1:11-14

One Year

We didn't plan on going back to the hotel so early. After all, we were in Florida all together and wanted to celebrate! We had spent a long day listening to amazing speakers like John Piper and D.A. Carson (my favorite), and had decided to go out for dinner and enjoy it.

As we sat in the restaurant, two things became apparent. Number one: Kristy was getting a migraine. Number two: the rain outside was more than just regular rain - it was an official tropical storm. 

We decided to split into two groups: the brave extroverts who really wanted to go to karaoke and the introverts who were not upset to have an excuse to not go. The introverts headed back to the hotel to relax and hope that Kristy's migraine went away.

We all lounged in the hotel room, sometimes watching TV and sometimes just talking. Introvert fun. It was during a conversation that it all became much more serious.

I honestly don't remember what exactly I said - to me it was an innocent comment about being single, full of bitterness and anger, but in a socially acceptable way. Rachel (what are best friends for?) called it out and said something like, " See what I have to deal with?"

That's when the conversation turned. The next thing I knew I was being asked a lot of questions about why I felt that way. I'm pretty sure "How does the Gospel answer that?" was asked several times. I was in tears within minutes. 

I had spent a lot of my life being angry, bitter, resentful, afraid, and untrusting. I felt justified in it because hadnt my circumstances been bad? Wasn't I the one who was dragged around everywhere, not able to really be a kid? Hadn't I lost all the normal experiences that the American teenager typically has? Wasn't it God's responsibility to give me a husband and children when I thought I was ready? My reasons for feeling that way were infinite.

I sat on the edge of the bed, in tears and angry that I was being called out. But it didn't get better. Because then somebody suggested that we pray.

I didn't want to pray then. What I didn't say was that I had come to a point where I really didn't want to pray at all. Why exert the effort if He didn't care to listen to me anyway?

Nevertheless, I ended up in the middle of a circle of women as they began to pray...they prayed for Him to soften my heart, they prayed for Him to help me release my anger, they prayed for Him to help me trust Him. It was all fine, not great, until, after a moment of silence, Kristy asked me to pray.

I couldn't open my mouth. I wanted to just do it so that this awful, intense moment would be over and they would think that I was better. But I couldn't speak. Something would not allow me to fake it. It had been long enough.

So, I just cried. I managed to say that I couldn't do it. I don't know how long we sat like that, with them encouraging me, and praying. Kristy saw a vision of the Lord reaching His hand down to me in love, waiting for response. I didn't believe that it was true. 

I have never felt so uncomfortable in my body in my life. I remember kneeling next to the bed and just writhing because it felt so bad to realize all of the ugly inside of me...it had to be reconciled. It seemed as though there was a war being waged right there inside me and I was feeling all of it. 

They began to ask me if I could forgive. They began listing people that I was angry and bitter against, asking if I could forgive them each individually. He had softened my heart enough to the point that I could respond. I knew this was important, that I couldn't just say, "I forgive them" unless it was true. Sometimes I forgave right away. Sometimes it took a little while. But one by one, I let it go. It felt like letting my grip go of things I had held tightly. Handing it to somebody else to carry. I guess I didn't realize that He had already carried it.

After a long time of listing and forgiving, Kristy asked me to pray again. And this time I could. I asked for forgiveness for holding things that weren't mine, for bitterness and anger against Him who had loved me to hell and back. I handed it all to Him. And it was finished.

After we were done, I remember feeling strange. Almost like there was an empty place inside of me, but not a bad one. A lightness maybe. With snot in my hair and eyes swollen, I was free. 

That day wasn't the end, but the beginning of a year of incredible transformation. It was the catalyst to a host of other things that the Lord wanted to do and is doing in me. It felt like almost as soon as one thing was resolved, another would bubble up to the top, and had to be dealt with. It was hard work, and it was horrible. And amazing. 

I can say now that I am not an angry person, bitter and unforgiving. That may always be my tendency and I have to guard against it, but the foundation for it isn't there anymore. I have learned to find my identity in Jesus, I can now function without being worried of what others think of me...I am free to be who He has made me to be, both when I was formed in my mother's womb and when He took my sinful identity on the cross. I can trust Him, even if I don't know where we're going or why. I can truly have joy, no matter what circumstances are in my life. I am free from the chains that bound me, keeping me from experiencing the miracle of a relationship with my Creator and Savior.

I am new! I have been made new.

And he who was seated on the throne said, Behold, I am making all things new. Also he said, Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true. And he said to me, It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. 

Revelation 21:5-7

Tree to Tree

I was talking to a friend the other day about my discouragement (see previous post if you want to know what I'm talking about). She told me about something her mom told her and it's been running through my mind the past few days.

She said that right now I'm just walking tree to tree. All I can see in front of me is the next tree in the forest...which doesn't feel like "the answer." But sometimes, walking tree to tree is all you can handle. You can't see the big picture, you can't see the open meadow that's waiting for you...all you see is the closest tree.

The more I think about it, the more comforting this is. The reality is, there will probably be more times in my life that I'm walking tree to tree than I'm walking in the open meadow. That's just the way life tends to go. But if I can learn to walk tree to tree well while I hold His hand, that will be something that I can learn to cherish, even if I would rather see the meadow.

Is my life not what I want it to be? No, it's not. Is it difficult? Heck yes, it is. But I trust the One leading.

So, if you need me, I'll be holding His hand...walking to the closest tree.

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in you I trust; let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me. Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous. Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. Remember your mercy, O Lord, and your steadfast love, for they have been from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O Lord ! Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies. For your name's sake, O Lord, pardon my guilt, for it is great. Who is the man who fears the Lord ? Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose. His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land. The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant. My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins. Consider how many are my foes, and with what violent hatred they hate me. Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you. Redeem Israel, O God, out of all his troubles. 

Psalm 25

Discouragement

Discouragement is real. It can hit you, all of a sudden, out of nowhere with just a word, just a thought, just a look. Bam. And there it is.

Sometimes it can just seep in through the cracks...you know, those cracks in your joy, when you are trusting but then there's that little tiny bit of you that doesn't. Right there is where it gets in. That little part of you that isn't sure that God really is good. Is it ok to say that?

It'll get you so fast you didn't see it coming and it'll creep in so slow you didn't notice when it arrived.

And, of course, the answer is to just keep persevering, just keep trusting, know that His plan is good.

But a discouraged heart really can't handle that, I don't think.

There comes a point when it needs to be real, when you have to be real about it and just say "You know what? I freaking hate this. And I don't get it. And it hurts. A lot. And maybe I would rather just melt away and be done than to keep doing this."

That's when you drop the facade, that's when you know the real you, how you really feel. When you take that moment and just be honest with yourself. 

It doesn't look good. And people might worry about you. That's fine.

At least if you can do that, then you won't have to pretend, even if it's just for a minute.

And when you really look at yourself and you really look at God and ask "Seriously? This is your real plan for me?", that's when you really know where you stand. Because when He answers back "Yes," and you don't run away....that's real. That's where you really are.

And it's not good.

But it's not bad either.

I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. When I remember God, I moan; when I meditate, my spirit faints. Selah You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. I consider the days of old, the years long ago. I said, "Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart." Then my spirit made a diligent search: "Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?" Selah Then I said, "I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High." I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples. 
Psalms 77:1-14

Home

Sometimes I have this weird thought. It usually comes around when I'm exhausted with life and just don't have energy to keep going.

"I want to go home."

Funny thing is, it comes up when I AM home. At my house, laying in my bed...how much more "home" do you get?

Maybe my homesickness is more acute than most because for me, the question has always been "where is home?" Is it Tennessee? Argentina? That house? The apartment?

Where is home? Really?

More and more I'm convinced that  going to be homesick the rest of my life. Because even if I stay right here until I die, will it really be home?

Is home a place? A feeling? A person?

Funny how homesickness tends to go hand in hand with my dependence on God. In the moments when I am most incapable of helping myself, I feel the most homesick. Longing to be home. With Him, where I can depend and rely, and He will provide every single thing. And He will see my face, and I will see His. And I can just, finally, FINALLY...relax.

Because I will be His, and nothing else will matter. Everything else will melt away, and there will just be Him. And He is home.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. 

Revelation 21:1-4

Softened

Life has a tendency to push us along, exposing us to hurt after hurt after hurt. We may not realize it, but as we go, we tend to stiffen, to harden, to be surprised by nothing, but expect everything bad and say "I told you so," when it comes to pass. We are not hopeful, we feel that that is being overly optimistic. We call it realism, cynicism, and sarcasm. Whatever it takes to make us feel better about our hard, dark hearts.

I have to say, I had, at a young age, reached this attitude. I expected nothing good to ever happen, distrusted all things that had the appearance of optimism. Many of you know this already.

But God has said no.

He has spoken that He did not create me to be that way. And He is taking me back.

Over the past few months, He has been actively softening my heart. Showing me good in others, showing me how He views them, how He has made them. More than anything, He has shown me how good He is. I cannot look at Him and say that there is nothing good. He is all the good. I can't look at His face and say that there is nothing beautiful. He is beauty. I can't look into His heart and keep mine hard and unforgiving, when His is full of mercy and grace, despite all offenses.

In all of His faithfulness to show me this, He has asked me for more. He has asked me to stretch out my heart, with all it's scars and callouses, and hand it to Him. He asks me trust Him even more, with my whole heart, of all things. To let Him have it, and say where it will go and how it will love. He is asking me to let Him make my heart His heart.

And I am.

Not because of my righteousness, but because He has proven and continues to prove Himself worthy of holding it. Only He truly knows what to do with it.

And so it is His. As it always was.

I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. 

Ezekiel 36:24-27

Psalm

I rejoice in You, oh Lord
When you make my paths straight
And set my feet in Your direction.
I praise You, oh God
When You lead me through uncharted woods,
And guide me carefully over the stones.
I praise Your name, when I feel the waters engulf me,
And I cannot hear Your voice above the waves.
I sing Your praise, oh Lord
When You steady my hand
And keep my feet from stumbling.
I find joy in You, oh God
When all that surrounds me seems dark,
And I cannot see Your face.

Oh God, You sustain Your servant.
You guide me in the paths of righteousness,
You keep my heart ever turned toward You.
Oh Lord, You lift high what should be made low,
You pour out grace abundant on Your people,
And reward those who have nothing to offer.
Oh God, You bestow blessing upon blessing on Your servant,
You give where nothing is earned,
And You take joy in Your mercy.

Surely, the Lord on High is the mighty God of all, merciful and full of grace is He.

It's Hard to Be the Art

I like this quote, and I don't like it.

You see, I feel like I'm the middle of when the artist is working His hardest on a certain part of the picture. I would imagine that any artist, at this point in their work, would not be overly talkative, would not necessarily be discussing their work with others. He would be focused, working at the vision of what He wants the finished work to be.

He already knows what the picture will look like. It's probably been in His head for a while. But now is the right time to mold this particular part into what it's going to be. The will be becomes the now.

The problem with this is if the piece of art starts questioning the artist. I can't see the finished product, all I know is that what the Artist is doing now is weird, kind of uncomfortable, and I'm not entirely sure it's going to turn out right. I feel like it will look funny when He's done. I'm not entirely sure He knows how to do it, because I have my own picture in my head of what this particular portion should look like. And I think He might be doing it wrong.

But He says He isn't. And there comes a point where the art has to stop trying to convince the Artist that He's doing it wrong, and just let Him work. After all, He's the one with the final picture.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.
Psalms 139:1-6

Hold loosely

I was recently talking with a friend....a friend who stands on the brink of possibly losing what she cherishes most. As I was talking with her, the phrase "hold loosely" came to mind.

As a Christian, I am called to hold firm to so many things. But what I haven't realized, up until now, is that what I think I should hold firm to, and what God asks me to hold firm to, are sometimes very different. 

I want to hold firm to my hopes, dreams, and desires. I clench them tightly in my fists, even if they aren't really there, yelling "mine!" at the first threat of it being taken away. In my head I've progressed way past toddler stage...but clearly, my heart still sits there. 

Sometimes I think that if I just hold tightly enough to what I want, it can still come true...it can still be mine. But the reality is that it isn't mine. And even if it ever does get placed in my hands, it still won't be mine. I can pretend that it is, but God has declared that it is His. And who argues with Him?

And if I can truly hold loosely to the things in this earth, I can enjoy them so much better. When a toddler has clamped down on that one toy she can't live without, is she enjoying it? Probably not. She is so busy guarding it, that she can't really enjoy it. But if she could just hold it in her hands loosely, she would be able to admire it, play with it, and her life wouldn't be ruined when daddy says it's time to put it away. 

So, in the end, all things are His. My life, my dreams, my desires, the people I love, aren't mine, and never have been. So, I hold loosely to them. And firmly to Him. And that's when I can truly enjoy the gifts...and the Giver.

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:19-21

Waiting

I keep having the same picture come to mind when I think of the phrase "waiting on the Lord." Head bowed, hands raised and palms up. There is a peace over it, and yet an active seeking after Him and waiting on Him to reveal or do or move. Active waiting.

I feel like I am sitting in a time of waiting. Waiting for what, only the Lord knows, but waiting.

I have to say that my waiting has not looked as peaceful as I just described, anytime I have had to wait for something. For me, it usually involves a lot of thrashing, wallowing, and general discontent.

Certainly not head bowed, but head held up, prideful, constantly looking for whatever "it" might be, feeling certain I'll spot it when it comes.

Definitely not hands raised...this implies a surrender, which I often do not have. Most often my arms would be folded tight against me, defiance and anger my coping mechanisms.

Never hands open, palm up...fists clenched tight, ready to fight anything and anyOne who is going to ruin whatever it is I think I should have, but don't. Hands open implies a worship that I certainly usually never seek to give.

But my usual posture is changing.

Am I getting it right all the time? Ha! Funny.

But the Lord is teaching me to wait. He teaches me to wait like He wants me to wait.

My head bowed in constant prayer. My arms lifted in surrender of my life, wants, and desires. My palms upturned, worshipping the One who has given all, and will continue to shower with undeserved blessings.

Only a kind, gentle Father can provoke such posture. One who has proven Himself over and over, and when I yell "Prove it!", He does it again.

I wait for the Lord,

My soul waits,

and in His word I hope;

My soul waits for the Lord 

More than the watchmen for the morning

More than the watchmen for the morning.

Psalm 130:5-6

Present Joy

I think I may finally be starting to understand what joy really is and what it looks like.

Not a whole lot has changed since the beginning of the year. My life is pretty much the same. Actually, I can't think of one thing that is different.

Except that I prayed for joy. And He is granting it.

He is teaching me that joy in circumstances is not true joy. True joy, the kind that is rooted deeply in your soul, is unshakeable, I think. It doesn't fluctuate with the day - whether I work or not, whether I feel skinny or not, whether I think that guy may be interested or not, whether I feel loved by others or not...none of that changes my true joy. My happiness maybe...joy...not really.

If my joy is rooted in God, not just the pat answer of "God loves me, so I'm happy," but my joy is rooted in who God is, what He has done for me, what my identity is in Him, what He has planned for me...it is solid. It is planted deep in my soul. And it cannot be moved.

John Piper, an amazing speaker and author puts a lot of emphasis on joy. I guess I sort of understood what he was saying before. It sounded good, anyway, if not completely unrealistic and pretty impractical. But now, what richness of understanding of the gospel are found in what he emphasizes:

"The really wonderful moments of joy in this world are not the moments of self-satisfaction, but self-forgetfulness. Standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon and contemplating your own greatness is pathological. At such moments we are made for a magnificent joy that comes from outside ourselves.”

So, whether things change dramatically for the good or for the bad, I can still have joy. And, praise God, He is giving it.

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord , "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you." As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight. The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips. The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Psalms 16:1-11

Worship

There isn't much else in the world that can draw things back into focus for me more than music. Something about it just expresses everything I feel so perfectly, that it reminds me of truth. The truth of life, the truth of love, and, most importantly, the truth of God. His truth of grace, mercy, new identity, and the future all comes into perspective when my heart is turned toward Him in worship.

I don't know why I tend to forget this fact. (Forgetfulness seems to be a running theme for me). I enjoy worshipping, but sometimes I don't have time or I'm embarrassed that others may hear and it slips out of my daily routine. But I always get drawn back.

I'm not the most verbally expressive person you will ever meet, but when I am able to play or sing, somehow, I feel like I am able to truly express myself to God. Not that He doesn't already know me, because He does. But something about being engaged in the act of worship makes the communication seem clearer.

We're created to worship. We will always find something to worship, whether it's God, a significant other, or money. Everyone is looking to be heard and to be able to express in a unique way how they feel about something. That's why we have art, music, writing, dancing, everything.

What a gift to have something to offer God. Not that He needs it. He does not need anything from me. But I need. I need all the time from Him. And all I can offer Him some days is a song. Sometimes not even that. But when I can, it feels like a gift I can give. Maybe not all that good of one, but a gift for Him nonetheless. A gift for Him that He gives. It's like a child asking their parent for money to buy a Christmas gift for their parent. Crazy.

So, with what little ability I possess, I will sing and play for Him until I die. Because it's all I can offer.

I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;
before the gods I sing your praise;
I bow down toward your holy temple
and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness,
for you have exalted above all things
your name and your word.
On the day I called, you answered me;
my strength of soul you increased.
All the kings of the earth shall give you thanks, O Lord,
for they have heard the words of your mouth,
and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord,
for great is the glory of the Lord.
For though the Lord is high,
he regards the lowly,
but the haughty he knows from afar.
Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
and your right hand delivers me.
The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.
Psalm 138

Contentment

Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.
1 Timothy 6:6-8

Ouch. Content? Not a word that comes to mind when I think about myself. Saved, yes. Redeemed, yes. Forgiven, yes. Content...not so much.

What is it about me, or even people in general, that keeps us striving, always reaching for that one thing more? I get and get, but I never feel satisfied. There's always that one more thing. It taunts me, that one more thing.

I feel like I am so grateful for the things I've been given, and I may even go so far as to say that I am "content" at times, but I don't think I mean it. How can I mean it, when minutes later, I'm thinking about the one more thing? What a liar I am...I convince myself of the lie. A true master.

And yet, here it is, looking me in the face. And not just regular contentment, with my life, my circumstances. Oh no, God doesn't make it that easy.

Godliness with contentment.

The dictionary defines godliness as "piety by virtue of being a godly person." So after looking up piety (seriously, Webster?), I still don't really get what that really means for me.

A friend of mine defines it like this: Godliness is the purpose of God, for the glory of God, with the heart of God, as the people of God.

That doesn't have anything about me in it. Or what I want. Or the one more thing.

But one more time, as all the times before and all the times forevermore, He reminds me that it's not about me.

My life is for His purpose, for His glory, with His heart, and as His person.

Now, why does all this "nothing to do with me" bring contentment?

Because I was created for this. Not for the one more thing, although that may be added. But I was created to serve the purpose of God, for the glory of God, with the heart of God, as the daughter of God.

How can there be one more thing beyond the reason and the Person for which I exist? I'm fooling myself with one more thing, I distract myself with one more thing. I worship the one more thing instead of the One who made all things.

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you." As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight. The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips. The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Psalms 16:1-11